


The Hysterical Thirst for Contradictions

by raskolnikov (noliteobdurare)



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Porn, Angst?, Autoerotic Asphyxiation, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Drowning, Explicit Sexual Content, Friends With Benefits, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Porn, Porn With Plot, Size Kink, Unreliable Narrator, and yikes jeju island has too much lore, are they friends or are they dating, chapters 1-3 are porn feel free to skip lol, did you know south korea used to be a dictatorship because i didn't, discussion of the 4.3 jeju incident, dubcon, haha let's play the fun game, i had to stop watching idol stuff because of the research i did, imagine having a nape fetish, like damn that's a lot of child exploitation, more like denial in general lol, takes place 2017-2018 because i miss hanbin, the research for this fic made me hate the idol industry and entertainment industry as a whole, there's also like the quote-on-quote skinship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:47:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 26,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28499304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noliteobdurare/pseuds/raskolnikov
Summary: Junhoe and Jinhwan decide to start a different sort of relationship.
Relationships: Goo Junhoe/Kim Jinhwan
Comments: 5
Kudos: 33





	1. Under the Veranda

**Author's Note:**

> I would say this is 40% porn. So like nearly half of this is just sex scenes. Do I regret planning my shit like this and being horny as fuck? Surprisingly, not really. I just feel bad for my beta reader(s). im so sorry.
> 
> This was written out of the horniness of my heart and also because every fic I read never properly discussed the biggest fucking problem properly; the elephant in the room. South Korea is homophobic as fuck. Even if they were to get into a relationship, there would be no fucking way their society would accept it. The idol companies encourage skin ship for the sole purpose of profit, not because they care about the gays. Living in an environment like that would be so detrimental to a person's wellbeing: because you can't help who you like or who you're attracted to. Even if it's expected for them to like women, even if they've dated girls, they can still find each other attractive too? But that kind of subject is taboo to even talk about. Especially considering how conservative the country is.
> 
> Regardless, this was born out of thirst and imagination. The craving for some realism and angst was high. Also, this fic is set in 2017/2018 and I think the easiest way to describe this would be 'canon divergence.' I also had immense moral dilemma starting this fic and planning it, even writing it brought me embarrassment. But twenty thousand words in, I gave up on myself and said "Fuck it, I write what I want to write." Despite that though, if YG comes after my ass or if any of the people mentioned read this, I will delete this fic and then myself.
> 
> Enjoy this absolute disaster of a story.
> 
> (also, chapter titles will be explained in the notes. this chapter's title will be explained at the end.)
> 
> (on another side note, I'm well aware I am very late to the party. But hey, I'm here now lmao)

There's nothing special about the day when things begin. Something is put into motion and the ball doesn't stop rolling. Y'know, like when the universe began. A massive explosion; and things just began to happen. Although that isn't a very good metaphor for what happens on this particular day.

It starts with a simple inquiry from our wonderful 13cm fairy, "Why are you hard?"

So, nothing out of the ordinary. Just another day. As usual. 

Kim Jinhwan had just entered one Goo Junhoe's room. He had forgotten why he had wandered into this person's room as soon as he had seen the elephant. Well, it wasn't something he hasn't seen before, but this was a personal problem and the door was unlocked. Maybe he had worded the question wrong. He thinks back as they make eye contact, suddenly insecure about his own word choice. 

The shameless man he makes direct eye contact with only stares back at him. After an awkward silence, Junhoe finally replies: "Isn't it normal for a healthy young guy to get hard?" He says this, unflinching, almost threateningly. Although, the regret for leaving the door open is prevalent in his eyes. The blame rests on Kim Jinhwan alone, however, for walking in at the most unfortunate time. 

So Jinhwan considers leaving. He really does, it's so easy to ignore this, so easy to walk backwards and close the door, pretend this whole thing never happened. Go on with his day. All that. But, like an idiot, he continues to stare at it. At him. Why didn't he back down? He would regret not leaving all too soon. 

"While you're here," Junhoe speaks all too sudden, Jinhwan thinks, and suddenly, he feels a real threat hang in the air. "Why don't you help me out?"

"Huh?"

He can't help but blank at the question. Was this a normal thing to ask someone? Were they close enough for this? But before he can process anything else, the aforementioned threat stands and drags him into the room, closing the door behind him. And now the room was locked.

The elephant is looking directly at him. He thinks about his own and wonders what he's doing here again.

"Just lend me your hand, I've been curious about this for a while. It'll feel no different from touching your own."

What's with the bullshit justifications? But the elephant keeps staring back at him. 

Jinhwan tears his eyes away from the thing, and makes proper eye contact again. "I," he begins, and halts. Reorganizing his thoughts, he decides to collect himself and take a breather. "This is a one off thing." (He's lying to himself.)

And like that he sealed his fate. He could've just left. He really could've just left the room and went back to doing something else. Whatever that something else was, it probably was better than this predicament. 

Junhoe smiles.

Meanwhile, he kind of wants to die at the moment. Again, Kim Jinhwan wonders why he agreed to this and before his brain fully catches up, he's guided to the bed. And the erection stares at him. What a fucking menace. Shaky hands wrap around it, while he squints at it. He can feel the veins and the heat radiating off it. This thing feels different from his own. The girth he slowly pumps releases tiny pulses, almost unnoticeable. He applies pressure at the tip, curious, and the other lets out a strained groan. It elicits a strange warmth inside him and he does it again. Pre-cum begins to froth at the tip, and it slides down the rest of the girth. 

The only thought Jinhwan has is this: _God, this is sticky._

After a good 5 minutes of experimenting, the man still does not cum. So he takes matters further. After releasing a heavy sigh and just wanting to leave already, Jinhwan removes his hands. Junhoe looks at him questioningly but stops asking when the older is between his legs. A hand returns to position the dick to his mouth, and that was all it took. Now, Kim Jinhwan had never given a blowjob, ever, in his life. There was no rational thought or explanation could he give as to why he decided at this moment he would give his first. As simple as it was, there was just no reason for it. The first thing he decides is that the head isn't unpleasant. And as he licks the slit, he contemplates on the taste, while the holder stifles. 

"Thish ish sahlty," he commentates, the thing still in his mouth. "Tahstes sthrange." 

"Dude, don't talk with that in your mouth." 

Irritated, he removes it from his mouth entirely. Looking upwards, Jinhwan stares at him in disappointment. "This is already more than you asked for. Shut up." It comes out rude and unpleasant. Ruder than he expected, himself. But despite his own sudden discomfort, he returns back to the task at hand. He quickly realizes that the entire length can't fit in his mouth and decides to use his hand to make up for it. Judging from the sounds Junhoe is making, he thinks he's doing the right thing. His tongue slides along the underside, which he can feel pulsate faster. Almost as if it was preparing for-

Something enters his mouth. At first, he doesn't process what it is, but as more and more enter, he quickly removes himself. The white froths in his mouth, and he's glad he doesn't choke it down. Looking guilty, Junhoe hands him a tissue. And although Jinhwan does spit most of it out, curiosity eats away at him, and he gulps some down. 

It doesn't taste good. As expected. 

The reaction Junhoe gives him is amusing, however. Shock is plastered all over his face and his eyes only convey absolute disbelief. No shit, his friend that he's known for a good few years now had just blown him and ate his cum. This is absolutely unreal: no way this could've happened. But at this current moment, in this passage of time, it most certainly has happened. 

And then the most unfortunate thing happens, Jinhwan can feel something stiff in his own pants. 

Junhoe reads his expressions almost perfectly and struggles to hold back a laugh. How ironic was this. 

"Sorry, sorry. I didn't give you a warning. To make up for it, want me to help you out?" It wasn't exactly a question, more like an offer out of remorse. Jinhwan just looks at him. 

So he tries again. "I could, like, y'know. Return the favor." He doesn't falter and only stares back. Eventually, the dazed returns with a nod, and stands up. The older sits, and pulls down his clothes, almost embarrassed to show his own, even after all that. Junhoe is confident in himself, but he definitely had reason to be. Since it's Jinhwan's turn, he experiences the warmth wrapped around his own length now. And god, Junhoe's hand is smooth and warm, and fuck he must touch his own dick a lot. That's a bad thought, and it's expelled quickly into the back of his mind. He's too busy right now to think in the first place. Nothing courses through him but the pleasure that are forcefully pressed into him, through the pads of the other's fingers and the teasing strokes. His head is void of thought and he's soon to release, right into the other hand. 

In all honesty, it's the best climax he's had in ages. The last few times where he's succumbed to masturbation with his left hand have been rather pitiful, and the release felt nowhere near as good as it did now. Maybe it's just because it's been so long since anyone else has touched him in such an intimate way. After debut, he hasn't dared to pursue a relationship with anyone, or risk it in the red light district. The media had already given their group bad reviews, despite how well they were doing now. 

"Ah, sorry. I didn't say anything either," he half-heartedly apologized and grabs a tissue. "I... Thanks. That didn't feel bad."

"You looked like you enjoyed it," Junhoe smiles while saying this but doesn't taunt him. "Well. I have a proposal. Wanna hear it?" And again, Jinhwan can feel a threat hang in the air. It felt like a flag. Not a literal flag with a post and a piece of fabric. A flag that indicates something; a trigger for a certain event. He sighs into a reply, "What is it?"

The other wipes his hand as he says it. "Would you want to do this kind of thing again?"

"... Sorry?" It takes a while to get processed. The question is cut throat and obvious, yet he was unable to formulate a reply. Or, at least, he wasn't able to reply immediately. The words were stuck in his throat, laced with uncertainty. 

"I mean. Uh. We could relieve each other. That kind of thing. No strings attached."

And the answer should be strikingly obvious. But Jinhwan falters and takes a step backwards. The line between yes and no are suddenly blurry. He's unsure. Rightfully so, this screamed a bad idea. At the same time, it's been way too long. Way, way, way too long since he's felt this good. Riding off the high, he nods his head and contemplates his actions. 

"Yeah. Ok. Sure. Well, let's see what happens." 

With that sort of ambiguous response, he pulls his pants back up, and he stalks out the room without a goodbye. From hereafter, the story unravels itself. Probably. Who knows. 

The two have established some sort of relationship, a ceremonial occasion. Hooray. The guests have gathered and the table has been set. 

___

Of course, it doesn't take long for the others to find out. It becomes obvious that there is something between the two. Especially, when they go together for 'bathroom breaks' or casually enter each other's rooms for long periods of time. Noise pollution can't keep his mouth shut either. But, their relationship isn't discussed much amongst the group. None of them seem to care all that much, and Hanbin just tells them to not let it interfere with work. But, of course, there are some offhand comments. 

Although the group is close, they aren't completely accepting. They understood at the base level the need to get off, but they've never asked for each other's help. Jinhwan caught a strange look that Chanwoo gave to him, and maybe a mutter under his breath. Well, it didn't bother him that much. He could get him back in some other way, he was sure of it. And anyway, his private life was none of the other's business.

So he shrugged it off. The offhand remarks. The once in a while strange looks. They kept their opinions to themselves most of the time, anyway. They were aware of what was happening but it really didn't concern them. 

On the other hand, Junhoe has been a lot more touchy, even off stage. It was like back when they were trainees, as he touched his nape often. What was so interesting about the back of his neck, anyway? Jinhwan became so used to it that he no longer even flinched when his hand was there again. For the, who knows, sixth time today? And it was only 11am. At the very least the managers aren't suspicious. Jinhwan is counting his blessings.

They had a photo shoot to get to in an hour and a bit. But here he was again, in a bathroom stall with Goo Junhoe. His mouth is around the other's length again: one hand holding the rest of the length, and the other holding his thigh. At this point Jinhwan knows the shape of his dick, the sensitive spots, the parts he likes the most, every vein and every bulge protruding and pulsating.

(By the way, Jinhwan notes that the slit and the underside of the head are the parts Junhoe enjoys the most. So, of course, Jinhwan's tongue is occupied at those spots the most often. Efficiency.)

It's gotten to the point that all it takes for him to get his own erection is for the dick to enter his mouth. As his mouth is busy, on occasion, he would palm himself at the same time. Jinhwan never gave it much thought but as Junhoe began to notice, he pointed it out often. Along the lines of, "Does that feel good?" and "That's kinda weird, why do you do that?" Although those were reasonable questions, Jinhwan didn't have any answers to give. Regardless, the feeling of a cock in his mouth had begun to arouse him, and he wasn't sure what to feel about it. This was completely alien to him, and he had never questioned it. 

So this was one of those days when he had begun to rub himself while the rod was in his mouth. In between licks and hand twists, he would press against his own dick and rub it to the rhythm of his hand job. Jinhwan's tongue swirls against the tip and Junhoe struggles to keep himself from groaning. His hand grabs his head, holding it in place, making sure it stays where it is. Not that Jinhwan was going to move any time soon. 

Today Jinhwan decides to be ambitious, and stuffs more into his mouth than usual. He can feel himself gag a bit, coating more of the thing with his saliva. A sloppy job but it was whatever. His tongue had begun to reach places it had previously never gone before, and Junhoe was losing his damn mind at the feeling because _holy shit_ was his tongue skilled or what. It aimed with precision and was slick and warm. Not to mention that Jinhwan's mouth was small and welcoming: without him even doing anything, it was tight. The walls of his mouth clung to him effortlessly, and it always salivated more and more the longer he was in there. 

Another thing that Junhoe observed was that not once Jinhwan had used his teeth. Maybe it was because he was also a guy and knew how it felt when teeth scraped against your dick. Also known as, not good. Felt kinda bad. Unless you were into that, of course. But this observation only led to more thoughts. He fantasized in his own time about Jinhwan's pale lips against the tip of his dick and his brightly colored tongue wrapped around it. The real thing was always so much better. So, so much better. And although girls had given him great blowjobs too, Jinhwan was something else. Again, was it because he was a guy? That kind of thought stuck with him.

Impatient, Junhoe stared at the face between his legs, working hard at making him feel good. 

"Sorry, hyung." And he forces his dick completely down his throat. 

Jinhwan really does gag at this, and Junhoe gets off right then and there. He releases it straight down, giving the older no time to even think about spitting it out. When he finally lets go of his head, Jinhwan pushes his limping erection out of his mouth, and coughs for a bit. There's still cum between his teeth and some still left on his tongue. He catches Junhoe staring and opens his mouth for him to see. There are strings of cum between the top of his mouth and his tongue as well, and before Junhoe had time to capture the moment for future use, Jinhwan closed his mouth and swallows. To add even more fuel to the fire, he licks his lips to taste the residue that had escaped his mouth. 

And it's the hottest thing Junhoe can recall.

No girl he had ever been with previously had eaten it so graciously like that. As if it tasted good. As if it tasted like anything mildly alright. What the fuck?

After all that, Jinhwan wipes his mouth with a tissue and just smiles at him. Maybe something within Junhoe breaks at that particular moment because he kind of just wants to hold the older. Like, literally. For the next hundred years or so. 

It's a completely irrational thought, void of any sense or logic. Plus, they still had that photo shoot to go to. Their make up still wasn't done, only their hair: and now Jinhwan's was slightly ruffled. Junhoe felt bad for the hair stylist at that exact moment. But it didn't matter too much since Jinhwan looked good regardless.

He touches his nape again while apologizing.

___

This is a different day. They have a concert tomorrow and they're dead tired after the last minute practicing. Hanbin is ruthless as usual, criticizing them even after they've basically perfected it. Of course, there's always something to work on. Of course, they could always be better. But even though Jinhwan's tired and ready to pass out, he hears a knock at his door and it's none other than Goo Junhoe.

The man is sheepish, sluggish, but the desperate look in his eyes indicates everything Jinhwan needs to know. So, Jinhwan sits up and motions for him to come over, seating him at his bed. Junhoe doesn't waste time in getting his erection out, and Jinhwan sighs into it as he wraps his mouth against it again. This time, Junhoe doesn't try anything. Well, that's a lie. Instead of around his head, his hands are now on Jinhwan's nape. He still doesn't get it; what Junhoe likes so much about his nape. Personally, he never found it interesting, and neither did his previous partners. 

Anyways, he's tired and so is his mouth. His tongue is slower than usual, dragging along the underside and languidly dancing around the opening. Jinhwan's hand also moves slower, pumping at it at an unsteady pace. Annoyingly, he can feel himself getting hard as well. 

And for some reason he dares to look up at Junhoe, whose eyes are closed and grunts in pleasure. For once, he whispers that he's gonna come, and Jinhwan just nods into it. The eruption is nothing new, and the salty taste of cum isn't anything special either. Thank god there wasn't this much this time, although some still dribbles down his chin while he gulps the rest down. Ignoring his own hard on, he wipes the excess on his face off and shoos Junhoe out of his room.

He wants to sleep.

Of course, sleep doesn't come easy with his own hardening erection between his legs. When Jinhwan accidentally brushes against it, he feels himself gasp and then grumble in annoyance. Right now, he didn't want to deal with this. He really, really needed the sleep for tomorrow and he couldn't be bothered dealing with this. But as he tossed and turned in his sleep and as the boner refused to go down, he opened his eyes and sat up.

It had been a long time since he's done it alone, but he has a box of tissues next to his bed and a rubbish bin in reach. He gets off quickly, and tiredly. And he compares his hand to Junhoe's and acknowledges it really does not feel as good. Jinhwan wouldn't say nowhere near as good, but his own hand was exceptionally less stimulating than the touch of another human being.

That night, he dreams of the concert. It's a big day tomorrow, and the seats are filled to the brim. The glow of their light stick is the only thing he can really see from the stage, alongside supportive signs and cheers from the crowd. He loves the feeling of being on stage, loved by everyone watching. It's why he keeps practicing, keeps going. Everything he's worked for has gone into this.

And he's not alone on stage either, of course. The rest of the group is there with him, and it's lively. Of course, too much social interaction would totally kill him, but at the moment Jinhwan was living his best life. 

But it's the after stage that gets him. They're exhausted and are about to head back home. They've thanked everyone and now they were packing up, ready to leave. And then Junhoe grabs his wrist and takes him to the bathroom.

This is when he knows he's in trouble, watching himself getting stuck again in a single stall with the other. He's going to be honest here, his legs are about to give out and he just wants to sleep right now. But Junhoe's already unzipped his pants and positioned his dick right in front of his face. It hits his cheek, and Jinhwan looks up with anger in his eyes.

"Bro, come on." He's pissed and tired now, but yet he complies. "I'm getting a piggyback ride after this."

It's a command, not a question. Junhoe just shrugs and takes it. Jinhwan wraps his hand around it to start, and then licks the tip. Every time he does this, he feels strange. Like it's something he isn't meant to be doing. Something he was never meant to know. Even so, Jinhwan relished in the pleasure and discomfort it gave him, which was why he kept going. 

He can feel the thing fill his entire mouth, as he continues to suck and lick and stroke it. He's annoyed that his mouth is so small and isn't able to take the entire thing without choking. But he commends himself for being able to take in three-quarters of the thing without gagging, and using his hand to make up for it. 

Jinhwan doesn't get erect this time, and instead concentrates on making his underclassmen feel better. He tries different things, like stopping half way to use his hands only, coating the entire girth in his saliva. In this instance, he also decides to try licking the balls, which elicits a new response. His tongue is completely on the underside of it now, and he's licking the thing like it's something tasty. Rather than feeling disturbed that he isn't actually repulsed by the taste, he simply doesn't think at all. 

This time, Junhoe comes all over his face. Luckily the makeup had already been removed, so most of it wasn't hard to clean. Again, luckily, Jinhwan had closed his eyes on instinct. Some had managed to land on his eyelashes, but most of it was on his cheek and at the edge of his lips. 

"Shit, sorry." Junhoe grabs a tissue and wipes it off his face. It felt almost domestic, if it weren't for the fact that he was cleaning off his own cum. 

When Jinhwan opens his eyes, he has a sudden urge to lean forward. He wants to feel the other against him and to-

Jinhwan wakes up.

He's sweating a lot, because this was not something he had wanted to think about in his sleep. This awakened feeling within his chest was not good. Really, not good at all. Thankfully, he isn't awoken by morning wood and is just sweating through his clothes. He wonders if this dream he had was something to be worried about.

Instead of thinking much of it, he decides to get changed and mentally prepare for the concert. 

___

The concert ends without incident. His dream was nothing more than a figment of imagination. But, Jinhwan does wonder about something else.

How would two guys do it?

It's not something he was ever taught at school, nor did anyone ever mention it. As he thinks back on it, he realizes he doesn't know.

So Jinhwan decides to ask Naver before he goes to sleep that night. He reads article after article, and even watches videos. And then it brings to light a new question.

How the fuck does that fit?

Eventually he stumbles upon a particular article about the prostate. Where it's situated, how to get there, and how bloody good it feels. Cumming without ever once touching your dick. 

So of course Jinhwan is too curious for his own good. He decides, since tomorrow is his day off, he wants to try it. With that kind of thought, he goes to sleep

The next day, he wakes up late in the morning, his body exhausted from yesterday's concert. But he gets out of bed, washes thoroughly during his morning shower, and heads back to his room. Since he didn't have any lube at the moment, his spit is going to have to cut it.

He drenches his fingers in saliva and then pulls down his pants. Pressing against his own entrance, he starts to have second thoughts. This is strange. This is definitely strange. No normal guy would do this. But he's so curious; does the prostate really feel that good? 

And the first finger enters. The first thing he notices is that his insides are tight, really tight. Then he moves around and enters deeper and then he finds it.

As soon as he even slightly brushes against it, he lets out a sinful sound and buries his face in his pillow. Ok, _holy fuck_ , he came from that alone. There's cum on his shirt and some on the bed. He had no idea he was that easy, removing his fingers from himself. He takes a moment to recollect himself, unsure as to what he wanted. Now that he knew what it felt like _in there_ he could never go back. 

Jinhwan instantly wonders what it would feel like if a dick rammed against that spot, and he felt himself harden. Again. Groaning, he sits up and begins to clean the mess.

___

The rest of his break is spent mostly inside his room. He opens his games for the first time in a while and reads the new updates. One of the guilds he joined ages ago is still active, and reading their chat is entertaining.

Chanwoo invites him to an Overwatch match online, and they play a few rounds. It's an unproductive day, the first time in a while. He eats lunch with the rest of the group and they talk about meaningless things. Like, how Hanbyul is doing and Yunhyeong's strange friends. Jinhwan attacks Chanwoo on being unable to eat chilli again, and he widens his eyes at that. The look he gives when he doesn't know what he did wrong.

As they're tidying up, Junhoe touches his nape again, to which Jinhwan just sighs.

Maybe he should wear clothes that cover that part. It was the bare skin that Junhoe consistently aimed for, anyway. And although the warmth from his hand wasn't unpleasant, it was uncalled for: every single time. 

You know what else it also was? An indication that Goo Junhoe was fucking horny at that exact moment and he wanted Jinhwan to blow him. 

So after lunch he finds himself in the other's room again, kneeling on the floor while Junhoe slides down his pants. Jinhwan should be used to the sight of it, but every time he feels almost surprised whenever it towers over him. As he feels it up and down, he wonders what it would feel like inside him. He knows that it would feel good. Really good. He would probably cry from pleasure if this hit his spot repeatedly and he really would have reached the point of no return then. 

Jinhwan drools at the thought of it. Finally, after feeling around the length with his hands for a bit, his lips touch the tip. He starts with almost a kiss, his tongue lightly touching the head and then retracting so he can move down the length. The skin between the head and the rest of it was particularly sensitive, so he spends a lot of time attacking that spot with his tongue. And then he removes his mouth for a breather, much to Junhoe's disappointment. His hands slide down the length regardless, coating it in his spit. So now the girth was slippery to the touch.

Even though his hands kept moving, he decided to speak.

"June-yah, do you want to try it? Sex?" 

At this, Junhoe is taken aback. He was planning on asking later, way later, so to see Jinhwan bring up the topic himself was amusing. Almost disconcerting. 

"Yeah. Right now?"

Jinhwan's hand stops moving, and he looks up at him with curiosity. "Right now? Do you have the stuff?" He's genuinely surprised at the idea that the other would keep lubricant and condoms in his own room. It's not like he's allowed to bring anyone home, and the prospect of being found out was high. A nod is the response he gets, and he shuffles to his bedside table, and opens the first drawer. And lo and behold. 

A discreet bottle of lube and a few packets stored in a box. 

He takes his time opening the lube and slides on a condom. "Ok, now what?" The question is directed towards Jinhwan, and then he realizes that Junhoe probably doesn't know how this works. So he stands up, and takes off his pants. This was embarrassing. And an awkward question to ask.

"You, uh, have to break me open." He hopes the message is clear enough, as he lies down and spreads his legs. He stares up at the ceiling instead of the person who positions himself between his legs. The sound of the lube exiting the bottle seems suddenly too loud and obnoxious. Then, a cold, slimy finger enters him.

This was definitely better than his own. So much better. It still feels weird; he isn't used to this. But he knows that there was a spot that was waiting to be found. The thought of it alone made him tighten around the lone finger, so he pushed the cloth of his shirt into his mouth. His digit continues to explore the inside of him, and eventually it scrapes against it. It feels like the inside of his dick had been rubbed, and he muffles a moan. Junhoe is too quick to catch on, and presses up against that spot.

Jinhwan comes undone immediately. 

Without doing anything, he starts sweating profusely. It would be expected if he was on stage and sweaty, but he was in a room that was only stifling hot because of the mood. Color rises to his cheeks, and he covers his face. 

This was embarrassing. 

He hasn't even touched his dick yet and there was already cum on his stomach. He can feel Junhoe's eyes fixated at him, and as he loosens up, another digit enters. They both rub against that spot and he can't keep his voice in anymore. All rational thought has left Jinhwan, including the probability that the other members could hear him if they were next door. For the sake of plot, let's just say they were not.

A third finger enters, stretching him further He can hear the sinful sounds his bottom mouth makes, and tries his best to ignore it. Junhoe decides that this was enough and removes his fingers entirely. Unwillingly, Jinhwan whines at the act, missing the feeling. He peeks through his hands and then notices the other aligning his cock against the entrance. Before he enters, however, he asks Jinhwan.

"Are you sure about this?"

Weakly, Jinhwan nods. With that, the head stretches him wide open. It's foreign, it's massive, and this thing is really going to hit against... against that. He felt stressed, but his walls continued tightening around the length. A hand reached behind his head, tracing his nape. The other hand gripped his waist, as the thing pushed further in. 

Junhoe went slowly. It was hard to fully enter because _goddamn_ the man under him was so fucking tight. Even with the prep, the breaking open, his walls were tighter than his mouth. To compare the two entrances was like comparing a tree to the Lotte World Tower (which was, by the way, 555m tall). When he's fully in, the older looks as though he's lost his mind. He had shifted his hips for friction, and was panting heavily. His hands had opted to wrap around Junhoe's neck, and he was quickly pulled on top of the older. He hears a whisper, "Please move."

And that he does. 

Slowly, he pulls out, and then thrusts inwards again. He's overly conscious of the sounds Jinhwan makes, the pained breaths and the wanton moans. Even the most subtle sighs are hot and heavy and hearing him enjoy himself went straight to Junhoe's dick. The greatest sounds came from when he hit a particular spot. Jinhwan would press his hands against his shoulder at it, and whine. Is whine the right word to describe this particular sound? All Junhoe knew was that it sounded hot as fuck. Jinhwan was not quiet at all during this entire experience. The sloppy sounds that they were making only added to everything. 

_This is an experience,_ is what Junhoe thinks. His dick hasn't felt this good since the first blowjob he had gotten from Jinhwan. The walls that pressed around him tightened whenever he hit that spot, as well. He struggled with self-control whenever they did that, he wanted to cum right then and there.

But he kept it in. He wanted to absorb the moans the man under him was making, more so that they were ingrained into his memory. So that he could play them over and over later on. The sounds Jinhwan makes are fan-fucking-tastic. He definitely wasn't effeminate in any way, but there was no other adjective that Junhoe could use to describe the sounds he hears. They go from low, manly growls to girly mewls and soft pants. The fevered requests for "more," and "harder," only become more frequent as Junhoe edged around that specific spot.

When he dared to press against it, however, all the air from Jinhwan escaped him. The walls trembled around his length, squeezing him tighter than before, and then Junhoe had an idea. His hyung's untouched cock hung, erect, almost swollen from the lack of attention. So Junhoe wrapped a hand around it and gave it a knowing stroke. If the walls were tight before, then his dick was being literally choked now. He gives up on self-control and cums.

Junhoe looks up at Jinhwan's flushed and tired face. He pulls out, and ties the condom, throwing it into the bin. Eyeing the older's neglected dick, he feels a semblance of pity, and finishes it off with his hand. Jinhwan cums into his hand, and closes his eyes.

They had made a mess. For one, Jinhwan hadn't taken off his shirt. Thankfully, nothing got on it, but his stomach is a different story. The same for Junhoe's bed, there were spots he would have to clean up discreetly. He pulled his own pants back up, and wiped his hands with a tissue. And Jinhwan's stomach. And as much off the bed as he could.

Then, he nudges Jinhwan, who groans in response. 

"Hey. Let's take a shower," Junhoe suggests, watching as Jinhwan opens his eyes. "It'll do us some good."

"Carry me." 

So Junhoe does, propping Jinhwan up on his back, and they head into the bathroom. They shower together, absent-mindedly, and leave refreshed. Junhoe makes sure Jinhwan is ok, patting him dry, unsure of what to do. Before they part ways, they promise to do this again. Nothing else really happens. And then, they return to their respective rooms, and sleep on their own beds. 

Jinhwan, for one, lies in bed distressed. That felt too good to be real. He had never experienced such overwhelming pleasure before then, and he was thinking back to the sounds he made. To say the least, he's embarrassed to know he can make those sounds, but also not surprised in the slightest. He hopes no one had heard him (apart from Junhoe, of course) and feels the tips of his ears burn remembering the pleasure. Despite the strange feelings welling up inside of him, he can also feel immense discomfort. 

Something feels wrong.

___

Junhoe decides to reminisce the entire experience with his left hand. Of course, he fails to replicate Jinhwan's real insides, but imagining the sounds and the skin writhing under him is enough. He's excited for the next time, whenever that is. They're rather busy at the moment, and it was unlikely they'd be able to do it properly for a while. He lies down on his bed once he's done, and stares upwards at the ceiling. Despite the pleasure, he could feel something seriously off. Not just from the act itself, the after effects, and their previous trysts. This entire relationship seemed to waver, and he didn't like it.

There was definitely something off about all this.


	2. Tepid Water

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spelling may be inconsistent. Apologies.

Today Kim Jinhwan is lying again atop Goo Junhoe's bed. His own fingers are inside himself as the other watches him wail and complain. You may be wondering why or how this kind of thing was happening, and the answer to that is simple. Junhoe had asked to see it. He was curious, after all, about anal masturbation. It looked like his senior was edging himself to no return. He would press around the spot and then stop, breathe for a bit, and then do it all over again. The entire time, he would make interesting sounds, mixed with pleasure and pain.

Having enough of his own hand, Jinhwan looks at him. Stares him down with lust clouding his eyes. It looked like a call for help, done without ever verbalising anything. And who was Junhoe to deny it? So Junhoe brought a hand to his cheek and traced downwards. God, he was so pretty. Seeing his bare skin in this sort of way really made him feel something. He didn't have a name for the feeling, and it was mixed with something else. Something unpleasant.

Regardless, he pokes at the gaping entrance that was waiting for him. As his wet fingers entered, he could feel the effects of the previous edging. Inside was drenched and loosened up. He was easily able to slide in another digit, and he hunted to find that spot. 

It wasn't difficult to find. Once he did find it, he pressed against it teasingly, watching Jinhwan's reaction. The first thing that happened—the first thing Junhoe noticed—was that his breath had hitched and he let out a high-pitched sound. The second thing was the red which had risen to his ears, and it was slowly creeping to the rest of his face. Jinhwan wasn't looking at him, his eyes had rolled back at that moment and then he had squeezed them shut. Junhoe decides to look at his hands. One of them had held the sheets under him tight, while the other was itching to touch himself. So Junhoe guided that hand to the neglected cock, as he pushed into the man's prostate again.

Another sound escaped his senior. He was breathing so heavily, and the sweat glistened on his skin. The walls around his finger had tightened again, the entrance squeezing so hard around him. This was fun. Goo Junhoe was having fun watching Kim Jinhwan come undone with only two fingers.

So he pressed against the spot. Again and again. Hearing the sounds and feeling the walls tighten and loosen and watching Jinhwan rub one out while he was edging him. He liked to watch his senior's facial expression as it went slack or contorted in pleasure. Another finger was inserted, and he experimentally stretched and moved them. It was incredibly slick inside, wet and warm and still very tight. This time, he didn't press against the spot immediately, but just fingered the hole. 

Jinhwan went crazy at this. His fingers were so close to that spot, but he was purposely avoiding it. Getting annoyed, he shifted his hips and lowered himself. Even with that, the fingers barely scraped against it, so now he was grumbling. Muttering under his breath. 

And Junhoe still found it amusing. When it seemed as though Jinhwan had given up and accepted his fate, he suddenly pushed up against it. 

The man comes. It's interesting to see him come all over himself; to see another man orgasm. The white lay on his stomach, waiting to be cleaned up. Junhoe removes his fingers with remorse.

It was time for the main dish.

He aligns his dick at the entrance, slathered in lube. Before he can even enter, Jinhwan himself lowers into it. _God_ , his senior was full of surprises. Pleasant surprises, of course. The walls are just as welcoming as he remembers them, gripping tightly around his length. It is warm and slippery inside him, and it feels especially good without the layer of plastic. (Oh yeah, they had both recently gotten tested, and their results had come back negative. So the first thing they wanted to try was bareback.) 

The feeling of pleasure seems to be mutual. Jinhwan heats up, and angles himself so that it can hit that spot better. So when the other moved even the slightest, it would be pressing against that part. Luckily for him, the other moved. Hitting that place precisely.

A wave of pleasure ushered through him, and he didn't bother holding his voice back. It felt so good. So damn good. This completely emptied his head and all that he was left with was the want for more. He wanted more. He wanted to have that spot rammed mercilessly and for his lower half to be rendered numb. The thing he wanted the most though, was to feel his junior's cum paint his insides.

Yeah, that was probably embarrassing to admit. Jinhwan would never say that out loud. He doubted he would ever verbalise it. He suspected he didn't need to, as his junior would release inside him regardless of what he said. 

The sudden movement jolted him awake again. Junhoe had grabbed his wrists and was keeping them in place, for whatever reason. He couldn't be bothered moving, anyway. Not when he was still reeling from the previous attacks. Even so, he wanted to touch his dick. Junhoe hadn't touched it at all, and neither had he, himself, after his last release. And now it kind of hurt.

Junhoe moved again, and then Jinhwan realised what was happening. His junior wanted to try making him dry orgasm from his prostate alone. Upon realising that, Jinhwan tried to escape. But then he calmed down and thought it over again. Maybe it would feel good. The thoughts left his mind again when that spot was hit again. With absolute precision. He let out another ungodly sound and whined in protest.

The man could feel his own hole contract and expand, and right now it was gripping onto Junhoe like it was a lifeline. It didn't help that the person above him decided to do something unexpected. A tongue travelled down the side of his neck. This was a strange feeling. They didn't even like each other, so... why was he doing that?

And then the tongue travelled further downwards and circled a certain spot. Jinhwan looked at him in surprise and then let out a different sound. He wasn't particularly sensitive there, but at this current moment he felt like a girl. It was like, he could feel his body shiver against the other at the foreign feeling. Feelings. Whatever.

Teeth brushed against that spot and it was enough to elicit a moan from him—which, after he made, he felt himself die. This was bad. This was very bad. Oh no.

The eyes that looked up at him were glossed in surprise and amusement. They were, Jinhwan would describe, fucking cheeky.

All of a sudden the bitch on top of him decided to move again. It only took the head to be pressed against that spot yet again for Jinhwan to cry out for the nth time. He was so out of breath. What was with this. Why was this man so relentless?

But despite the protest in his eyes, the other kept moving. Against that spot specifically. He could feel himself losing more and more of his sanity and self control. He really was gonna go out like this. 

So he gives up and climaxes, but the other just keeps going. Even when he's particularly sensitive and honestly not ready, the other keeps it up, ramming against his most sensitive spot. Tears leak from his eyes, simply from the pleasure alone. But the other does not notice this. The other is more concerned about himself.

Jinhwan realises he can't say anything. His words are stuck in his throat and the only sounds he makes are the ones that are forced out of him. He doesn't know what to do. His hands were still not free and even though his body wanted more, more of the pleasure, more of everything Junhoe had given him—Jinhwan knew something was wrong. Something really isn't right.

Even so, Junhoe keeps going until his own climax. He feels the substance enter him, warm and foreign and god it felt strangely good. Instead of pulling out, however, Junhoe just kept going. Oh. This was bad. This was really not good. Jinhwan was tired and he wanted to go to sleep. It was late at night and he didn't expect to be in Junhoe's room for this long. But he guesses that his wonderful junior will not be stopping for a while, as they have not had much time to do anything. They've been busy and he guesses again that his cum has been building up for the past few weeks or so, annoyed that he's unable to release it. In other words: his junior was damn pent up. Ah. Fuck.

At least Jinhwan's wrists have been released now and the other has opted to put his hands on Jinhwan's hips instead. Another hand reaches under him, and Jinhwan is suddenly pulled up into an embrace. Tiredly, Jinhwan wraps his arms around the other's neck and uses his shoulder as a head rest. He can feel a hand on his back and another on his ass. Fucking pervert.

This was a strange position. Only lovers would do it like this, and they were just friends. He finds it even stranger that Junhoe would prop them up like this and still continue to ram into him. But maybe he should stop questioning things and just close his eyes. That would probably work best for him. Except, no surprise, he can't; especially when his junior's cock kept hitting that same goddamn spot which made him lose it. Also, he could feel the cum move around inside him and it was driving him nuts. It was still warm, and it was really mixing well with the prep lube. Holy shit. How was he going to clean this out afterwards?

The sudden realisation that he had no idea how many more times Junhoe was going to release inside of him gave him a sense of panic. Would his ass be ok? He probably wouldn't be able to move tomorrow. Or do anything. Oh, god. But it felt good, right? That's why he kept agreeing to this. Right?

He started to doubt himself. Was this really okay? Were things fine how they were?

A hand coaxes him by tracing his nape again. It didn't calm him down in the slightest. But the thought was appreciated. He probably stiffened up while thinking about these kinds of things. Regardless, the thing inside him kept moving, pleasuring itself using his insides. Jinhwan let out a quieter sound as it found the spot again. He was really tired, but the pleasure still coursed through him. Again and again. Jinhwan felt himself harden again, and silently cursed. God. No breaks for him, huh?

Another problem arose; he began to move his hips again to meet the other's thrusts. This was obviously a bad move, a bad idea, because it would incite the other to keep going, to go harder. While Jinhwan was dead tired.

Smart.

Because that was exactly what happened, and he hit that spot more accurately than before. Stupid bitch. Why did he do that? Jinhwan half sighs, half moans. This was his own fault yet again. He really needs a drink right now. 

Maybe if he tried hard enough he could sleep this entire thing off. Forget it entirely. Unfortunately, he knew that wasn't going to happen and they were probably going to do this again anyway. Even at the age of twenty-something, their hormones still ran rampant. That was fine, wasn't it? (Probably not, but he was just talking to himself at this point.)

His mind wanders again. Despite him holding another person at this current moment in time, he felt alone. It was a strange feeling, to say the least. Like he wasn't exactly here and this wasn't his body. Maybe he was disassociating? But he's brought back to earth every time he feels the nudge at that spot. The poking, the slamming, the attack from behind. It keeps choking out hearty breaths and indecent sounds from him, despite his attempts to quell himself. At this point, Jinhwan considers himself indecent. His body felt hot and heavy and despite his celebrity status, right now, he was nothing but a flesh hole.

Maybe that was a depressing thought.

So he stops thinking again when Junhoe releases inside of him. For the second time. And then proceeds to keep going. Jinhwan notices that the substances inside him are now thicker, and he feels wet. Unnaturally wet as hell. He wouldn't describe it as bad or uncomfortable, just... it was strange. This wasn't something that was normal and he probably shouldn't enjoy it. But he felt good. Unreasonably so. Even as discomfort rose in his chest, his favourite spot would be rubbed again and the discomfort would be forgotten. 

He decides this is the right time to choke out some words.

"Can... can we come together?" 

Jinhwan breathes it into Junhoe's ear, so he must've heard it loud and clear. To this question, Junhoe lodges himself into the deepest part of Jinhwan and then stops to face him. This is the first time Jinhwan has seen the other's face in a while, and his face is sweaty and his eyes are filled with lust, for Jinhwan and Jinhwan alone. He didn't know how to feel about that.

Junhoe's hand reaches his nape again, to which Jinhwan eyes cautiously, and patiently awaits an answer.

"Sure. Tell me when you're gonna."

He presses his forehead against Jinhwan's, and his hand travels up to behind his head. "By the way, I've been meaning to say this for a while, but your face is pretty. Usually on stage and for work that's obvious, but you're prettiest when you're with me." And then he positions Jinhwan's head on his shoulder again, pulling out slightly and aligning to hit the spot again. Before Jinhwan can get another word out, his sentence melts into a symphony of moans. His head is spinning, he can't comprehend what just happened. Was he being hit on by another guy? His colleague and friend, specifically?

A groan escapes him unintentionally. 

The length inside him is pulsating and heating up. Jinhwan can feel the head press up against that spot again, and all the air leaves him. His prostate was really getting abused today. He finds himself unable to hold back, and his hand reaches for his erection. Precum had already been exiting from the top, as it was sliding down the rest of his length. His palm rubbed against the slickness and he dragged his fingers coated in precum to the rest of it. Junhoe had begun to catch on, and steadied his thrusts at a similar pace. He hits that spot at all the right timings, feeling his own reward of double the tightness. 

A timid voice whispers in his ear. "June-yah, I'm close."

So Junhoe stops, and then grabs his senior's length. He holds the head and stops it from climaxing by pressing his thumb over the slit. Then he looked at Jinhwan's face; his eyes were absolutely desperate and he looked like he was on the brink of tears.

And suddenly Junhoe feels all the heat go cold. Something in him tells him that this was seriously off. There was obviously something wrong but he can't pinpoint exactly what. He wants to reconcile, to help his senior, but he doesn't know what to do. So instead of acknowledging the problem, he keeps moving. He goes faster and harder and he feels his own climax come soon.

"Jinani-hyung, I'm gonna... I'm..." 

He stops speaking and just lets go of the other's dick. With one more reassuring movement, they both come at the same time.

Junhoe finally pulls out. His dick had finally gone down, and he watched as his semen exited from Jinhwan. It was now a key memory. Watching the substance flow from out of him and watching the mouth close shut to prevent even more of it escaping. Why was his senior so damn erotic? He realises he could watch him for hours on end, probably days, even. Junhoe wants to touch the entrance again, to feel his three loads being absorbed inside. To feel the walls lined in his cum and to see Jinhwan's face distorted in pleasure.

But he really shouldn't. He was getting carried away. 

They're both drenched in sweat and sitting upright, catching their breath. Junhoe's skin is chilled despite the heat he felt, as he begins to rethink his actions. Was, was Jinhwan alright through that entire ordeal? He was worried. Maybe more than he should be. Even though his senior hadn't said anything, something bad had hung in the air and he was seriously worried. 

He decides to make eye contact with his senior. 

"Let's take a shower."

Jinhwan nods at that, but opens his arms like he's asking to be carried. So Junhoe picks him up and they enter the bathroom together. Junhoe's thankful that the other two residents downstairs were out tonight, and their manager was in their own apartment. The whole bottom floor was theirs alone.

Junhoe has substantially more energy than Jinhwan, and so he put that energy into washing his senior properly. He started out by just washing his hair and then continued downwards. As he reaches the other's ass, he questions if he's allowed to wash the insides. He might get excited from feeling it around again, but Jinhwan catches him contemplating and just sighs.

"Clean it. If you get hard or whatever I'll just blow you. Deal?"

Junhoe nods.

And he makes sure he gets all of it out, careful to not scrape against that spot. He also wills himself to not get hard, but by the end of it, he fails. So he looks at his senior expectantly, who rolls his eyes and grabs it. Without wasting time, the lips were at the tip of it and his tongue had licked the slit. His mouth was as warm as he remembered. It's been a while since Jinhwan's blown him, so it feels better than usual. A lot better than usual. He holds back from grabbing Jinhwan's head and forcing all of his length down his throat, knowing that his senior is probably dead tired right now and would really appreciate the consideration. So he holds back and lets him do all the work.

The hand moves in quick twists, making use of the water that's on them as his mouth slowly lowers itself down his dick. Jinhwan's tongue is on the underside of him, licking in short bursts and sucking for the most part. Sometimes his eyes flick upwards, to check how Junhoe's doing, and they make eye contact. At being watched, color begins to rise at his cheeks and he decides to not be curious anymore. 

Junhoe just watches him. God, his senior's hand was tiny, considerably smaller than his own. He wonders what it would feel like to have the right to grab them whenever he wanted. To feel the smoothness of his skin and intertwine his own fingers with his. Wait. That was a bad thought. Firstly, they were friends, and secondly, they were colleagues. As soon as Junhoe realised he had begun to think more of Jinhwan than those two things, he panicked.

This was bad. This was very bad.

They weren't meant to catch feelings for each other. That wasn't how this was meant to work. Oh, god. This was a real problem.

But of course, yet again, instead of acknowledging it, Junhoe ignores it. He pushes the problem to the back of his mind and concentrates on the man blowing him. Which, to be fair, isn't that hard. Jinhwan had definitely gotten better at this, being able to swallow most of his length and knowing all the good spots. The best part, however, was the fact that Jinhwan always swallowed. He's done it from the start and it didn't seem like he was planning on stopping. There was something damn hot watching Jinhwan eat his stuff that none of his previous partners were able to do. Or at least, when they did try, their face would scrunch up in distaste and they would spit it out. It was obvious that it didn't taste nice, but Jinhwan made it look like it was the best meal in the world. 

His senior licked the slit again, then rolled his tongue against it, as if he was asking for it to come out. At this, Junhoe complies, and puts his hand on the other's nape. "I'm... yeah." 

Jinhwan looks up, and gives him a nod. He sucks harder, and a particular spot between the head and the rest of it is attacked, and that's when he comes. It enters the warmth of Jinhwan's mouth, and once he's done, Jinhwan removes himself, a string of cum between his lips and the other's dick left obvious. Jinhwan catches Junhoe staring, Junhoe's own eyes hopeful and still excited. So Jinhwan opens his mouth, and to Junhoe's delight, all his cum was there. He got a good view of it, and this was also a key memory.

Then Jinhwan closes his mouth and swallows it, and wipes his lips with the back of his hand. 

"Finish washing me. I want to sleep."

Heartless as usual, but Junhoe complies.

___

As Junhoe dresses himself after the shower, he wonders about the bad feelings he felt. Especially during their previous act, he could feel some underlying tension underneath the heat of the intercourse. And it wasn't good tension, either. It worried him, somewhat.

Was it going to be a problem? He wasn't sure. All he knew was that something was up and it might affect him. Might? More like, probably will.

And as he has these thoughts he wonders even more. Although he suppresses his desire to monopolise Jinhwan entirely, he can't help but feel ashamed that he actually wanted to hold his hand. Like, in a completely non-platonic way. That was a red flag. 

It was also a huge potential problem.

To be clear, Junhoe did not see Jinhwan as anything more than a friend. They were close, sure, but he didn't have any feelings for him or anything stupid like that. Right? Because that would really suck. That would give the love songs he sings on stage in front of thousands more connotations. That would give a double damn meaning whenever he sang duets with the other.

He shook his head. It wasn't good to think about these things. He decides he'll just deal with it when it happens. But it doesn't stop the bad feelings that continue to grow in his chest. To Goo Junhoe the feelings were all too familiar. They resembled a form of self-hatred, of insecurity and absolute self scrutiny. To write these feelings off as simply 'bad' was an understatement. They were horrible. He meant this with every letter. From the h to the e as to the very essence of this word. If he were to describe the feelings even further, he would get lazy and sum it up as, "This fucking sucks." 

Oh, but he has an idea. Maybe he can write a poem about this. Capitalise off his own suffering and publish it to the world one day. And then critics would write it off as, _"You have everything, so why are you complaining?"_ It was an exciting thought.

But alas, unfortunately, Junhoe was a human being too. He couldn't avoid his own self hatred no matter how hard he distracted himself. And maybe it was just the feelings of being alone that got to him. It's been so long anyone outside of his family had told him he was worth something. Sure, he's loved by fans and his friends and of course, the darling company, but that wasn't enough. 

He relishes in this sort of alienation. Maybe even after the fact that he does have 'everything,' he would never be satisfied. Was it the dissatisfaction that satiated him? Or was it the looming threat that he would never know if what he does ever mattered in the end?

At the end of it all, he realizes he just wants to be liked. He wants validation—specifically, the intimate kind. And it seemed like it didn't matter where it came from. 

With this kind of thought, Junhoe stares at the clock and goes to sleep. 

___

Jinhwan was dried and carried to his room. After choosing his sleepwear and having it handed over to him, Junhoe left his room and closed the door behind him. So now Kim Jinhwan was getting dressed and ready to bed. He noticed that moving had proven to be difficult; whenever he even took a step, his legs were ready to give out. Regardless, he positioned himself at the vanity and did his eight step skincare routine.

Consistency for this was important. He had to keep his skin spotless and clear, not just for his job, but for his own self-satisfaction too.

And then he retires into his bed with great effort. He's so tired, he really just wants to pass out. Unfortunately, his own brain betrays him and takes him to some unsavory thoughts. He thinks about the loneliness he felt during the act. The lack of communication. They barely said anything to each other, and rather than friends they were more like strangers. It felt like they really were just using each other to get off, and though it did feel good, something about that fact didn't sit right with Jinhwan. Rather, it worried him. Because something was obviously off and even between themselves they felt as though they couldn't verbalize anything.

It was only ever during sex he had felt like this with the other man. 

Was it because he was alone, regardless? Jinhwan had friends. He had the company. He knew people in higher places and he knew people around and about. But that didn't mean he wasn't alone. Because of how things ended up, he felt alienated from people. From others. Even amongst the group he realised that these people would never truly know him, or understand him. They could definitely get close, some of them already were; but the fact was that despite everything, Kim Jinhwan was all alone.

And for that he sort of hated himself. Was it his own reluctance to open up? Was it because it's been so long he's last been in a relationship? Did he crave validation to fill the emptiness in his heart?

He felt sick.

And to crave it from another guy, too. Was something wrong with him? He knew this kind of thing was taboo. They lived in South Korea, after all. And apart from anything else, they were male idols in an industry that only kept them for their image. 

Oh. So this was the bad feeling he felt in his chest.

Or maybe he didn't crave it. Maybe it was just his imagination and none of this mattered. At all. He would like to believe that. So he does, and closes his eyes.

___

When he wakes up, the curiosity eats at him. He's never bothered to research this kind of thing before. Never bothered to know what was really going on. Or maybe he was simply unaware of it. 

So here he is again, asking Naver. Jinhwan squints at the results that come up, unsure where to start.

Many interesting articles come up. It's not unexpected that a majority of them are overwhelmingly negative, but what he does find strange is that he agrees with them. He agrees with the disgust and abhorrent views on homosexuality and the absolute dirtiness of it all. It is gross to find another person of the same gender attractive.

Right?

Otherwise his whole life has been a lie. There was stigma around how those of the LGBTQ+ community contracted many STDs and also that they were all dirty. But he wasn't part of this, right? He wasn't one of them, right? Because he was just. He was just friends. They, they weren't anything more than that. 

Although he can't deny that what he's doing with his junior is really, really abnormal. If it was just a hand job or if he really pushed it, a blow job, then it wouldn't be too bad. It would be fine, maybe. Most guys did this, right? Or at least guys were curious about... He stopped and thought again. No, probably not. Jinhwan was making assumptions. And he also took a step back and assumed that the act of intercourse was usually done between a guy and girl. Not, like, two guys. Especially not between, like, guys who were close friends and happened to be in an idol group. This was starting to sound like a bad fanfiction.

He thinks back to the people in his own group. Some of them have definitely dated while they've been active, and they seemed to all... go for girls. Then he thinks again on discussions he's had with some of them and if the topic of liking guys ever came up. He thinks, once, maybe. It's come up. Probably once. And then swept under the rug again. If he recalls correctly, the other opinion was the generalised one that people had here. Basically: liking guys is kind of gross. It wasn't normal. At all.

The grossest thing he can feel is him agreeing. Why? What for? He just hates himself now. He can't go back and unfuck Junhoe. That isn't how things work. Another thing is he can't help but want to do it again. It felt fucking good. He could finally get off without his left hand. And god, was he touch starved or something? He was touchy with the other members and they were just as touchy back. But he wants the intimacy. He wants the touch that wasn't platonic at all. Be it a sin or whatever, he wanted to be desired in... that way.

Jinhwan kind of wants to die as he continues reading and thinking. Each article repeats itself over and over. The same thing is being said and nothing new is being brought to light. Genuinely, he's confused as to how he's meant to feel. It was wrong, yes, but at the same time, he couldn't help it. And for that he began to blame himself. Was he at fault for this? Was he at fault for having feelings? Oh wait, no, they weren't feelings. Were they? Man.

This kind of thing spiralled downwards and he couldn't bring himself to look up.

___

So, he's here again. In Junhoe's room.

They're going to fuck again, that much is obvious. It's another nondescript night of a nondescript day. A vague floating passage of time. Basically, they're free and not absolutely exhausted for the first time in a while and they're using their time to get off.

They don't even say anything; they make eye contact and it's damn obvious what they want to do.

Jinhwan takes a step forward. And then another. Eventually, he's sitting next to him on his bed and when their shoulders touch he knows he's going to be... well. For lack of better word, eaten. Ravished. Fuck, that sounds bad.

And yeah. He is. Jinhwan's nape is touched, first things first. He shivers slightly at the touch, the hand tracing the back of his neck damn gently, as though they were lovers. God. But then in more forceful Junhoe nature, he is pushed quickly to Junhoe's hardening length. Clothed length. What the fuck am I writing. Anyways, he can feel that thing on his face and it pokes at his cheek, asking to be touched. 

So he gets his hands to work, pulling the layers of fabric down and palming the length. It's so damn close to his mouth and a hand is on the back of his head, coaxing him to hurry up already. As if he was slow or something. It also felt like his head would be forcefully pressed downwards as soon as he put it in his mouth, so he procrastinated. Just for a little bit. But the smell of the thing was intoxicating and he swore he could've just come from having that thing poke at his lips, even only by a small amount. He couldn't take it. He wanted to put that thing in his mouth even though he knew it was a bad idea. So he puts it at his lips and gives it a tentative lick. 

The girth shivered in his hands, and he hears the other make a sound. A low grumble. He feels it again. The warmth that came with the self-hatred. But now he can feel his own erection form in his pants and Kim Jinhwan just fucking gives up.

He opens his mouth and puts the thing in.

It still doesn't taste good. It probably never will. But the dirtiness of the act and the sounds the other makes is a whole different story. The latter aspects made him feel things he never would've felt had he not been asked on that fateful first day. He felt absolutely indecent. With every roll and slide of his tongue he would fantasise how this thing he was sucking would feel against his prostate. With every stroke from his hand he wondered if he would be forced into submission with a cock alone again. This thing was going to break him open, break him apart and make him lose his damn mind.

And if that wasn't exciting, he didn't know what was. 

Jinhwan removes his mouth from the length. He looks up, at his junior, and that was probably enough to incite him to move. Letting go of his dick, he pulled his own pants down and threw off his shirt. He had already prepared beforehand, so he was ready.

He lies down again and stares upwards. Hands place themselves at his hips and he can feel that thing poke at his entrance. His junior makes eye contact with him, making sure he's fine with this for the nth time, while Jinhwan just languidly nods. Just, that spot. He wanted to be attacked at that spot.

It enters. The head pokes around, as if just getting a taste of what was to come. He can feel it nudge and pulsate within his walls and he can feel the heat and slick of everything. He was sweating. So badly. Gross, but not as gross as the feeling he suddenly felt as the length decided to break him open. The sounds he makes sound repulsive to him. They're gross and unnecessary. They aren't of any use or any meaning. And they only reinforced the fact that he was doing this. He was doing this with another man; his close friend no less.

But all thought escapes him again when that spot is found. He lets out another sound, louder and more sinful than the others. Really, though. He felt like he had sinned against something as he relished in this pleasure that wasn't allowed. And then his stupid junior did it again. Instead of his neck, Junhoe had suddenly licked the corner of his lips. Was this, perhaps, a subtle kiss?

All color drained from him. The heat of the act had suddenly chilled, despite the stifling warmth. This, this was bad. This was way worse than what he had expected.

He turned the other cheek and decided to ignore it.

Thankfully, the tongue travelled down and proceeded to lick his neck again, all the while he was moving. At least there were no marks or anything. At least he hadn't started biting or sucking or... huh. Wait. Was his junior marking him? As, like, property or something?

And again he felt his skin cool. It went ice cold as the realisation hit him. He didn't want this. He didn't want this at all. He hated this so much and he just wanted the pleasure from that certain spot behind his dick. He didn't come here to get _emotionally_ fucked.

But he doesn't say anything. He keeps quiet like a blithering fool. Since when did he talk to himself like that? Yet, he shuts up again when a spot is hit and another sound is coaxed out of him. Jinhwan is breathless and unable to function. Unable to think. If he was even able to think at the moment, he only thought of the dick lodged in his ass that was pressing so damn hard against that spot he loved so much. 

Why did it feel so good?

Why?

He had never felt this sort of pleasure before with women. Sure, his dick felt great, but this was a completely different sort of feeling. A complete and utter submission to a different person, where he lay at the receiving end. Under another and enjoying the benefits. 

Was this sort of thing okay? Jinhwan doesn't think so. Jinhwan wants to believe it is, but something within himself and the rational thought that runs through his brain tells him it isn't real. That this was gross and dirty and he shouldn't be doing this at all. But the most damning thing that came to fruition was the fact that he could feel himself wanting to kiss the other. He wanted to press his lips against him and tell him that he was... no. He should stop there. He shouldn't make it tangible or feasible at all. It, it didn't exist. It never existed.

This was still wrong.

Even though he felt good physically. Even though his body loved the attention and the light touches and the pleasure that washed over him. It wasn't enough. It wasn't something he had accepted yet. He felt horrible even when it felt... good. And things felt so wrong and so out of place but he still doesn't say anything.

So he held his breath. He felt the thing in him move again and he shifted his hips to match it. Jinhwan also thinks of something else; he wraps his arms around Junhoe's neck and pulls him down into an embrace.

Maybe this was a bad idea. But the skin on skin contact and the warmth that filled his entire body felt good. Why did it feel so good? This person didn't care about him at all. This person wasn't soft and cute or anything resembling a girl. The detachment felt like he was just being... used. So why did it feel good. Why did he enjoy this.

He's holding tightly onto the other but they still don't look at each other. And his legs are starting to wrap around his body too, and suddenly he's being propped up and carried and _holy shit_ why is he against a wall.

Obviously, Jinhwan protests. He complains but never forms a proper, complete sentence. There is panic in his eyes and the sounds he makes begin to sound more and more desperate. But the other doesn't notice. The other still does not care.

He dry orgasms. And he's sensitive, so sensitive, but that place is attacked anyway. Pressed against and eliciting the unhealthiest sounds from him. Jinhwan is panting and feverish and overly stimulated but the other still does not stop. He can feel the bad feeling rise in his chest again; but he decides to deny it. To ignore it ever happened.

Nothing is ever so easy though.

The tongue is back on his neck. This time, his lips had pressed against him and teeth had scraped against his skin. He shivers at it. This was foreign and oh. He. He was about to be marked.

With another thrust the other man releases inside of him while Jinhwan grimaces. It still felt good. It still made him feel something that wasn't, that wasn't repulsive. But as he did that, a bite had scratched against his sensitive skin and he had officially been claimed.

He didn't like that.

It wasn't something they were even meant to show off. It wasn't something... they weren't more than friends, right? They didn't actually have, feelings for each other, right?

Dare he say it but he felt sick to his stomach.

And yet, he still lets out a pleasured sound. As though he was happy to be claimed, to be taken. He wasn't. He wasn't happy at all. 

Jinhwan felt guilty.

For what? He hadn't done anything wrong: perhaps apart from the sin of doing this with another guy. Was it even a sin? It felt wrong. It didn't feel good. So maybe it was. The worst feeling was the one that told him this was fine. The longing for intimate attention and validation. 

The fucker opens his mouth to speak for the first time in this entire ordeal.

"Jinani-hyung, you have a mole here as well." And he touches it slightly, almost lovingly.

He wanted to throw up. 

Lips press against it, under the side of his chin, almost his cheek. He can feel his heart beating faster and the heaving in his chest, his erratic breathing and his own growing discomfort. Junhoe's dick is still pressed tightly against that spot and it's driving him nuts. The position they're in makes it easier to hit that spot, and easier to slide in deeper. He squints his eyes shut and hopes he still has enough energy to hold on.

Jinhwan hates himself. It's a fact by now. He wants to cry, because even though the pleasure is still overriding all the guilt, something is wrong. The fact he can put a name to that feeling was bad in and of itself, but once he realised he was thinking that perhaps he felt something more was... contrite. Was that the right word for it? He doesn’t know.

The other man is still not done marking him. Although his hands are on Jinhwan's hips, propping him upwards against the wall and unable to move, his tongue and mouth are hard at work. Licking and nibbling each and every sensitive spot of his skin. All the while moving into him.

His junior grips his hips slightly tighter and he anticipates the climax into him. It's always weird. Maybe Jinhwan will never get used to it. Oh, fuck, the fact that he even considers that he's going to get used to it... that scares him. That really scares him. Does he want to keep doing this with his junior? But it felt too good to stop. This relationship was impulsive and never relied on rational thought to begin with.

In the end, Jinhwan presses his face into the other's shoulder and closes his eyes. Junhoe wasn't going to be pulling out any soon, that much is obvious.

He feels the softening erection start to harden again, and as soon as it is fully stiff, he moves. The cum inside has just become extra lubricant. Part of the deal, the whole sha-bang. It's slippery and hot and he can't believe he enjoys this. 

Seriously. Kim Jinhwan can't fucking believe this shit. He enjoys the feeling of cum in his ass and never wants it to leave him.

Holy shit.

Picturing the fact that he'd have to clean this out afterwards makes him mewl and whine and protest against each thrust. Ew, was he a cat? A fucking catboy? Yikes.

Yeah, why did this feel good? Why did he enjoy the pleasure and the pain and the bad, guilt-ridden feelings? Was he a masochist or something?

(And he's still letting out sound after sound, letting out moans of rapture and tightening up against the other's length. It felt good. This felt good and what the fuck was he doing with his own mouth. Why was he nibbling at his junior's skin. Oh fuck oh no. Oh no no no.)

This takes a great amount of effort to stop. He's biting at Junhoe's neck, licking and grazing his teeth against the other's own skin. This felt fucking intimate. This felt like something more than just friends. This felt like he was. In love.

Oh.

Was that how it worked?

Jinhwan lets out another indecent sound as another load is pressed into him. It was hot and wet and fuck he's described it as those words so many goddamn times already. It's just his junior's stupid cum inside him.

With that, he's forced into his own climax, completely dry and almost painfully good. The fact that he's able to dry orgasm is really scaring him. That wasn't normal. He hasn't touched his dick at all in this entire affair. Another scary thing was the fact he had begun to enjoy this.

The overstimulation tires him out, but he feels himself harden again at the softest touch. His dick still hasn't pulled out, it was still going, still moving inside him. It was still using his walls to jack off, the tightness of his own flesh was just a form of masturbation. 

Jinhwan felt it again. Right now, as of this moment—he wasn't anything but a toy used to get off.

And, and why did he tighten up at the thought of that. Why did he feel so good at the thought of being used and abandoned and that this wasn't anything but. Why were the grossest feelings the ones that were meant to be... healthy? He questioned himself. 

Did he hate himself that much?

He shifts his hips again to meet the other's unending thrusts. It felt good. It felt so good. Why did it feel so damn good. That certain spot made him lose his mind. Even the most subtle pressing, even edging around it. He tightened up again and lets out another fucking sound.

But there's a catch. Suddenly, a hand moves upwards. It traces the sides of his body and then is back at his nape again. However, the hand that gently traces it is no more. 

It wraps around his neck and squeezes almost tightly. He literally feels all the air being choked out of him and he wants to die but his body instigates the opposite response. 

He fucking tightens up.

What the fuck was this? Almost the opposite of a negative taxis, he was attracted to the pain. To something that would probably kill him. He hates himself so much and he hates that he finds this enjoyable. Jinhwan chokes out another indecent sound and then he feels that spot being rammed into again. Oh, god.

And he knows for certain that this is bad. He's never been treated so badly before during sex, but this has been the most pleasurable experience out of all of them. Why was that? He didn't know. He just hoped he wouldn't bruise around his neck and he also hoped that the bite marks wouldn't be too visible. They still had work.

But yet again he relishes in the pain. Suddenly, something animalistic had awoken in the other and holy fuck he was being moved. From the wall to a table. And this was the first time the fucker had pulled out. To bend him over and change positions.

He felt the substance leak out and travel down his legs. Did the other care? Did the other notice? It didn't seem so, because the other just spread his ass and re-inserted himself.

Fuck.

Jinhwan buried his face in his arms. He was starting to understand why women disliked this position. It really objectified them. The only thing that existed at the moment for Junhoe was his lower half, his lower body. Upwards from where he was interested in did not matter and he wasn't touched at all. Just his hips.

Was he pretending that Jinhwan was a girl? What was this? What incited him to do this all of a sudden?

He couldn't even speak like this. Literally. Every sound that was exacted out of him was just gibberish, moans and pants and words that never fully formed. He couldn't even protest against this.

And god was that unhealthy or what? He whimpers in response to his own question. Right now, Kim Jinhwan was fucking helpless—no different than a hand-made sextoy used by a young, horny teenage boy. His status didn't matter, nor did his age or his gender or the wealth he had. This was terrifying. He really wasn't anything but a hole used to get off; in this moment and this moment alone.

He was scared.

It felt good, yes, he couldn't deny that. But the feelings he realised when he understood the fact of the matter—fuck. And he was obligated to shut up about it. To press it to the back of his mind and to ignore that it was a problem. What was it that made him so afraid of speaking, of vocalising his issues and the reasons for them? Did it just boil down to him hating himself, to him thinking that what he was doing was wrong? Was he guilty?

That spot is hit again and he cries. Like, literal tears alongside the indecent sound. He's glad Junhoe can't see his face right now because he would probably stop and ask if he was ok. He didn't need that right now.

Maybe he was in pain. Maybe Jinhwan just didn't know how to admit it. The physical pleasure seemed to override literally everything else—to the point his brain numbed itself and he denied the existence of the guilt he felt. He can't help it, he can't help feeling tired and excited and also grossed out. This was wrong. This act and these feelings he has. He's been told they're wrong his entire life. Fuck. It contradicted; these things he thought and felt were contradictions. He was the embodiment of a hypocrite, to each exact letter of the word. The noun exactly. 

Because it felt good. It felt good. Why else would he keep doing this? It felt good. It felt good. It felt good. It felt good.

Or maybe it didn't.

A finger enters alongside the length. He makes a sound at the entrance, as it feels around while the length is still moving. It scrapes up against the spot and he's sweating, he's sweating so much. His breaths are heavy and disoriented and his vision has blurred completely. One thing is hitting the deepest part of him and the other is teasing that spot. 

He dry orgasms again.

The slick is on his stomach and then his dick hardens up again. Again and again. This feels like it'll never end. 

So the finger leaves him, and another load is released. Jinhwan prays that this is the last but the other keeps moving.

How much more of this can he take?

He's breathless and the sounds he makes are sluggish, tired. In his voice it's made obvious he has had it and he really wants to lie down. Either way, there would be cum in his ass so he guesses it doesn't really matter. Fuck, he wants to sleep on the same bed today. He wants to be cuddled and told he's been good. That he feels good and that they can do this again. And maybe he wants to hear Junhoe talk about his family or his poetry or his interest in literature.

Or not.

Ok, now his thoughts were all over the place. The fact he can even think right now while he's being ploughed is amazing. He commends himself for that.

Jinhwan hopes that his eyes have dried and that there's no evidence for his tears. Anyways, he tries his best to not think about it. To not feel the overwhelming mix of feelings. To not feel his own self-hatred. But as he receives a kiss on his nape, something in him completely breaks.

It's not obvious at all. He doesn't express it verbally, and nothing shows up on his face. The fact still stands though, he can feel the denial he had used to barricade his heart break like an overflowing dam. So what now? He's definitely got a name for this feeling. But he hates it. He hates that he can even feel this, hates that this is how things are. He hates that he's abnormal and he hates that he's like this. Did he do something wrong? Was he raised wrongly? 

What did he do to deserve this?

As he thinks of things like this, the pleasure is bulldozed into him, with relentless attacks at that place. Jinhwan guesses that he keeps getting attacked there because whenever it's hit, he tightens up like crazy. Well, how could he not? He felt good. This felt good. And his ignorance was only accentuated with those thoughts. 

He wonders if he's sane or not.

A hand travels up his spine, and it reaches his nape again. God, his nape. It was always his nape. He wasn't particularly sensitive there but now even the lightest touch felt erotic. The other day another person touched it and he jumped at the contact. Fuck, maybe this was affecting him too much. His time with Junhoe had begun to affect him even outside of this relationship they had.

Another bad thing was that Jinhwan whimpered at the touch. Yeah, it's gotten that bad. Goo Junhoe had officially made the back of his damn neck an erogenous zone. Holy _fucking_ shit.

It's unlikely he can reverse this fact. And it's strange; no one else has ever done this to him. His body has permanently changed just for Goo Junhoe. He doesn't know how to feel about that. He doesn't know what to do.

And then the hand around his nape coils around his neck and he can predict what's coming. He's going to die. He's going to get choked.

Not that it was bad, they just had never talked about doing things like this. He hasn't exactly... agreed to this sort of play. But in the other's mind, since last time they did this, he tightened up, it was fine. It was alright. This was okay and he could keep...

His vision blurs.

His throat tightened up in an attempt for air and this was god awful but it wasn't the only place that tightened. Something is released inside of him and finally the hand around his neck lets go.

They're both unbelievably sweaty and he's in so much pain. A hand reaches to his neglected cock, finally, and gets him off to a weak climax. And that's when his junior pulls out and admires his own handiwork. The white is definitely leaking out from him, despite his attempts to stop it. He shivers when more and more pulse out from him, unbelievably akin to tepid water. 

It was underwhelming to say the least. The lukewarm feeling he got when it was finally over. The caressing from the other's hands and the dull, unquenchable heat. He could feel the other's eyes fixated at the cum leaking from his ass, watching it with vulgar intent. 

"Let's... Let's go clean up."

Jinhwan agrees tiredly.

___

Nothing happens when they shower together. He gets the excess of cum out of him and he wipes himself clean. But before they exit out together, Jinhwan grabs Junhoe's wrist, and makes a request while staring at the ground.

"Can I sleep with you tonight? On the same bed."

The other takes a while to reply. It hadn't registered. What his senior had said. But eventually, a reply was succinctly expressed through an embrace and a piggy back ride to the bedroom.

___

It's another day. Jinhwan is on Naver again, on a binge-reading adventure. There was recently a pride parade in Seoul and it made headlines for being peaceful for about twenty solid minutes. And then devotees had rained on the parade. Literally.

So basically some religious people got violent to people expressing who they were. Even for something as simple as that Jinhwan couldn't decide on who he sided with. Sure, he wasn't exactly the most religious person. But he couldn't bring himself to say he was... like one of the attendees. They were different, right? Right?

And in interviews he read, the devotees expressed that they didn't hate the gays, they just... hated they existed. What was this, some mental gymnastics? It didn't make any sense but it also resonated with him. He had felt that way for the longest time. He was against this, against the people who were like this. But at the same time, his own heart had completely betrayed him. 

The parade had incidentally ended with violence. He wasn't surprised at this, it was sort of expected from his society. 

There were also many comments condemning the attendees. Like, "You all should die!" and "You're all going to hell!" and stuff along the lines of "This is not what God intended!"

It felt like they were all directed at him. At what he was doing. At how he felt. Maybe they were right?

But if he denied it all, then he could come with some sort of justification... s. This was just his hormones. He was pent up after not having a relationship for a while. And also, he's a healthy young guy! So what was wrong with needing to jack off? It was fine, right? Despite his own feelings, his cute junior was nothing more than a friend. Their relationship was completely platonic and it didn't extend further than that. They were just, friends. With a bit of a bonus.

Huh. Now that he phrased it like that, he began to question himself again. Jinhwan realised that despite their encounters and their mutual masturbation, he has no idea how the other feels. If anything was real or not. If Junhoe perhaps harboured unintentional feelings for him too.

They hadn't kissed or anything. They don't tell each other how much they like each other or go to each other for things apart from like, sex or fucking around. Even more so, they don't go on, like, romantic dates. They go drinking and all that but they were seriously just friends. Really. They weren't anything more than that.

So it was fine, right? 

But he thinks about the attempt at a kiss last time they did it and he feels himself die. He might actually have to talk to the other about this. Establish a kiss ban, a no romantic shit kinda rule. Because he wasn't having it. The prospect that the other might seriously like him back fucking scares him. That would mean Jinhwan would have to confront his own feelings and come to terms with the fact that maybe, just maybe, he wasn't straight.

No. He couldn't do that. There was no way. No fucking way.

___

So Jinhwan does tell Junhoe the next time. It's the first thing that comes out of his mouth before they do anything.

"No kissing. If you even kiss me once, I'll stop meeting up with you for reasons like this."

Surprisingly, Junhoe agrees, although Jinhwan can see the disappointment in his eyes. He feels like the other would've tried it sometime if he hadn't said anything. Plus, his junior was so close to doing it last time. He can still remember the tongue at the edge of his lips and the lips pressed against his neck. Oh, dear god. Someone save him.

"It's too intimate to do that kind of thing between friends, right?" His junior is talking to him, and he nods in response. 

"Dude, the border for friends and lovers is real blurry if you do that. So maybe don't." 

"Yeah, yeah. Should we get to it?"

And then they fuck again. Today, Jinhwan is curious about something. He wants to ride the other. So he pushes his junior against his bed and sits on top of him. Coating his hands in lube, he rubs the girth with his hands until it's wet and hot. While he's doing this, he can feel a hand on his ass, pulling down his pants and inserting a sop finger into him. He tightens out of surprise, but then relaxes again as he realises he's going to be broken open.

Fun. This hasn't happened in a while.

It really does feel good. He can't deny that at all. The way his body reacted to the other's touch was also damn obvious. Despite his own rejection of his feelings, his body spoke the truth loud and clear, for the other to intake. He felt a digit against the spot and then let out a muffled sound. This wasn't fair. 

So he presses his lips against the tip and wraps his tongue around the head, in shy, careful licks.

And that elicited a groan out of the other. Deciding he was ready, he pulled his pants off completely and shoved the other's hand away, positioning himself above. When Junhoe realised what he was doing, his eyes widened and he looked like he was holding back a grin.

Then he sat down on it, slowly, his hips trembling with every movement. As he was about to fully take in the length, the other moved upwards, dragging out a loud sound from him. Jinhwan hastily covered his mouth, embarrassed of the noise he made and unsure about their next door neighbour. Now that the entire thing was in him, he felt hot and heavy and fucking stressed, actually. Although it felt good, he had no energy to move or anything, because he felt tired from that slight move alone. He takes a deep breath, steadies himself, and then decides to move.

Having the power to move this time around was refreshing. He was the one that finally was using the other, not the other way around. The one below him was nothing but a tool used to get off, to make him feel good. And that he was. His junior's rod was a fantastic toy that was able to hit his prostate just right and was also able to hit the deepest parts in him. It was great. He felt great, even as he thought about the comments earlier.

You know. Like how he should die and he was dirty and this was against religion. Against the natural law and order.

Never mind. Physically, yeah, it felt good. Mentally he felt fucked up. Everything screamed at him to stop and this was wrong. All that. Of course, he didn't stop because the pleasure would still empty his head of any thought but as soon as it didn't, those kinds of things crept in. 

He kept moving, rubbing himself against that spot, and even masturbating atop the other. Wrapping both of his hands around his own dick as he moved against the thing inside him. 

Junhoe is looking at the view above him, extremely curious. This is the most assertive his senior has been the entire relationship, and it was sort of attractive that he was using Junhoe to get off. Watching the other's face sweat and his hands furiously rubbing one out while a dick was lodged in his ass was... quite a view, to say the least. It wasn't something he had ever expected to see in his life, especially with this particular person. 

Now that he’s seen it, he's never been more glad to be alive than ever. This is what he's been missing out on, huh. This absolutely fantastic sight. Even though it was great, there was still something incredibly off. Jinhwan's face said it all, a mix of pain and pleasure. There was something definitely wrong with him doing this, and he hasn't pinpointed exactly what. He thinks back.

While he was growing up, there was a friend of his that was very against the act of two people of the same gender doing anything remotely suspicious. This friend of his sometimes would call him out, too, for doing questionable things like complimenting another guy's looks. A few years later, his friend had arguably the most detestable stories of coming out. And his friend still hated the fact that they were abnormal and liked someone of the same gender. 

Of course, those who were near them started to distance themselves slowly. They never told their family or anything. They only told their close friends and even then a rumour had spread around the school about them. Eventually, Junhoe too, distanced himself. 

Because growing up he has heard all sorts of different views and comments on homosexuality. Mostly negative, mind you. Not many people in South Korea are accepting of it, and only recently has the younger generation had a shift of perspective. Most of the older folks and people his age still weren't very open about it and people were generally just against it entirely.

So he was too, as a result of that. 

But as he watches his senior tighten around his dick and pant and breathe and stroke himself, he feels like he hasn't seen anything hotter. He thinks again as to why it was so bad and why people hated the thought of this. He's aware there are many reasons and in this country, they were completely discriminated against. They could never be open about their relationship and nor could they ever truly like each other.

Or maybe he was at fault for even thinking that. For even considering that he really liked the other.

Don't get him wrong, he loved himself to the point of no return. His face was great, his body too, and fans around the world worshipped him. But at this current moment in time, he realised something. He kind of hated himself.

It was amazingly wrong to like another guy, right? That's what everything up to this point has led him to believe. The other was just objectively pretty and attractive and also they were just, they were just friends. These feelings of his were completely illegal and he should discard them as quickly as he could. Or perhaps they didn't exist. Like, at all. Maybe he was just making shit up to convince himself he was attracted to his senior. At the moment his senior wasn't really an idol, per say, more like a common place whore in the red light district. Right?

Or was that even worse to think about. Junhoe suddenly felt bad for even thinking of the comparison. But he felt even worse when he realised he wanted to do more than just lie here and take the pleasure. He wanted to press kisses against the other's chest and neck and maybe his cheek if he was allowed. Alas, he was just told not to. Would his hands cut it? But then he couldn't exactly express how he...

Oh.

So his feelings weren't made up. They're legit.

Shit.

Jinhwan suddenly stopped moving but tightened around him, constricting him so hard as he was pushed into a climax. The other man was panting above him, shaking post-release and sticky to a fault. Holy fuck, his thighs were great too. Junhoe stares at them and then looks up at his face. 

It's definitely one of pleasure and tiredness. However, he can't read past that as the other's eyes are squeezed shut and his mouth is also clenched in closure. The other is simply catching his breath and holding it together.

He really, really wants to cum right now. A bad idea? Probably. So he shifts position to sit up and face the other, holding onto him by pressing his head against Junhoe's shoulder. They were in an embrace; Jinhwan's arms had wrapped around him and he had decided to use his shoulder as a head rest. Junhoe places his hands on the other's hips, and thrusts upwards. As he slides against that spot again and hits the deepest spot, his senior lets out a pained moan, which he tries to muffle by pressing his mouth against Junhoe’s shoulder.

Here, Junhoe releases, as the walls tighten around him and the other smothers another sound. His senior's skin is slick with sweat and heat. As he feels the cum he just released into his senior slide down and coat his own length, he feels fascinated at the fact that the walls pulsate in response to the white. They seemed to spasm as a reaction, tightening up randomly and then expanding again. In erratic fits of confusion. It was like his senior's body enjoyed it. The feeling of cum inside.

This is something that Junhoe has begun to notice ever since the first time. Kim Jinhwan seemed to be a bona fide slut, and he had no idea himself. He remembers most girls would complain about him releasing inside or the taste of cum or even scorn at his junk. But the man that he was holding right now has not made a single complaint at all. It was fucking weird. Not that Junhoe was complaining, but it was strange that a guy enjoyed... semen this much. 

'Cause, he's always swallowed and shit. And it was no different in the lower mouth. What the fuck?

Every attempt he made to pull out, the other seemed to whine in protest, tightening up even harder. Like it was forcing another wave of orgasm out of him. Shit, dude. He pulls out completely anyway, because he wants to try something new today, too.

They're already kinda in the position for it. He aligns their dicks together and grabs both of them, feeling their slick slide against each other. When it was like this, there was no way Junhoe could pretend he was with a girl. It was pretty damn obvious that the other was a guy, just like him, but they were just getting off. Because they were just friends. No, seriously, they weren't anything more. 

Even so, he grimaces at the thoughts. This did feel good. A different kind of good from him sticking it in a hole, but it felt good in the way that the other also seemed to enjoy it. Although the pleasure rushed through his head as he jacked them off, it quelled when a hand joined him. Jinhwan's hand is a lot smaller than his, and it had touched his own hands with care. And then it tried to reach around both lengths just as vigorously.

Fuck. _Fuck_ this. His senior was damn cute.

Like, his hand was too small to fit around both of them so he made up for it with his other hand. Even then, since it wasn't enough, he spits into one of his hands and moistens them both up. What was this? 

They both come at the same time. When Junhoe makes eye contact with him, he realises how badly he wants to claim the other. To lean forward and brush lips and maybe like, feel the inside of his mouth or something.

What the fuck?

Instead, Junhoe plants a kiss on his forehead. Ok. Was this against what Jinhwan had just said? Or was it fine? Jinhwan really couldn't tell anymore and gave up again.

___

Junhoe had finished washing up and he was back in his room. He thinks long and hard about what happened and what he just did. He feels fucking bad. Guilt mainly arises at his chest and he isn't sure how to come to terms with it. 

There was no doubt he felt a lot of physical pleasure, but regardless, something was off. The fact he could put a name to that feeling made him want to die. This wasn't how things were meant to go. The fact that he admitted that he enjoyed it, enjoyed what he was doing—wasn't this a red flag? He realised he hated himself for this fact alone. The fact he relished in it, the fact he wanted to keep going. Obviously, this was bad. Junhoe had sensed it since the beginning, that there was something seriously off. Although, he didn't realise this was what it was. The self hatred he recognised within himself; the repulsion of his own feelings. It was wrong to like another guy, but at the same time, what was so wrong about it? 

Ha, maybe he just didn't feel any attraction at all. Maybe this was fake. Maybe it was all an illusion and.

Who the fuck was he kidding now.

Well, he was still in denial about all this. Weren't homosexuals abnormal and strange and against the natural law? Weren't they possessed by demons and inferior to the natural, the norm, the heterosexual? He hasn't come out or anything. He isn't explicitly... that. So he was straight. 

What was this, some form of erasure? 

Suddenly he felt shameful. This was wrong, wasn't it? He wasn't any good. He didn't support those who were out and open about their attraction to the same gender. Because, because it wasn't right. It was against procreation. It was against the society he lived in. It was different from the morals and views he was raised with. 

Was that all?

No, wait. He re-words it. Was he so desperate for validation and intimacy that he wanted it from another man? 

He thinks again. Women are still attractive, and if it weren't for the rough spot their group was in right now, he would've gone for it. Junhoe would've probably already gotten himself another girlfriend. 

Maybe. Maybe he is still straight and this is just a phase, or something. He continues trying to rationalise himself but to no avail. At the end of the road he still hates himself for the unchangeable fact of the matter.

But despite it all he denies it.

Right. Yes he found his senior damn attractive. But that didn't make him any less straight than he currently was. That was justified. That... made sense.

Jinhwan was right. They really shouldn't be kissing or doing any other intimate act. Acts. Whatever. That kind of romantic stuff was saved for people that actually liked each other. It should be saved for a girl. 

And it wasn't like their current relationship of friends with benefits was going to last long for anyway. One day, either one of them is going to get sick of it and break things off. Then things would just go back to normal, as if nothing happened in the first place. That sort of scenario.

But that kind of thought was kind of lonely.

Sure. He was in a group with six others, he was loved by friends and family, he had fans around the globe. If only that kind of thing was able to fill the loneliness in his own heart. Junhoe knows that no one will be able to truly understand him. No one will really make that sort of effort to even get remotely close to who he was. Even the people closest to him at this moment in time—he felt like they still did not know him. They all had their own versions of who he was and not... not his actual self.

The thought of breaking off his current relationship with Jinhwan actually sort of scared him. At least, when he was with the other, he wasn't physically alone. Only emotionally.

So was it the physical touch that he wanted? Did he desire something more than that?

Of course, if he did, then he couldn't ask for it. That sort of thing was definitely taboo. He really couldn't do that. 

And thus he thinks again. Over and over. Around a roundabout, in circles. A merry-go-round with no stop button. At the end of it all, he has something that seems like a conclusion.

Junhoe kind of wants to bite his neck again.

___

Meanwhile, Jinhwan has other thoughts. He can't sleep after thinking about the kiss on his forehead. It wasn't that intimate. It wasn't too bad.

But it sure as hell made him feel something he shouldn't.

Because he shouldn't have liked it. He shouldn't want more of it. At that instant, in that moment of time, he wanted the other to do it again and hold him tighter and tell him he was...

Fuck. This was getting out of control. 

Another thing he begins to realise is the fact that he's been using his touchy tactics all this time to cope. God, it's really been too long since he's had a relationship. Having one was able to fix part of the emptiness of his heart, but of course that kind of thing was only temporary. He felt the need to hide that. To hide the fact that he was alone and that he hates himself.

What he was doing was deviant from the norm. How he felt was definitely not the same as others and he was just... he wasn't like the majority. 

And he knows he can't accept himself. He can't understand why or how or anything at all. 

Jinhwan considers alternatives. What if he broke things off and just got another girlfriend or what if he headed off to the red light district instead of Junhoe. But then he thinks again and remembers the bad reviews of his group, and Hanbin's rants at 2am about how the media portrays them. Especially because of BIGBANG's fuckups and the company's own reluctance to confront anything. They were dragged along with it, despite not even having much to do with the other group.

But no matter how many justifications and explanations he comes up with, he couldn't deny he was part of this company too. The underlying issue was something that couldn't be solved. So if he were to get caught in a dating scandal or if the media found him wandering the rougher parts of Seoul, he would bring the rest of the group down with him.

He couldn't bring himself to do that.

It was either abstinence, his left hand, or the partner he currently had. In general, all seemed to suck and he kind of just wanted to sleep.

So all of these options were shit and there wasn't anything he could really do. Was this a dead end? A 'no exit' sign when driving into a street? 

How much of this would he let affect him?

See, something was definitely wrong. He felt it during and after what they did. He felt it at the most random times and he sometimes felt it when they were performing on stage. Of course he ignores it, but for how much longer? What would happen if this went unchecked?

Jinhwan thinks about it. He definitely can't let his issues affect his work and he has an image to maintain for the masses. It really isn't obvious at all that he's even feeling this way. None of it shows up on his face or in any physical form. Which is why he feels as though maybe he's just making stuff and maybe this all isn't real. Maybe it's all just in his head and he's being irrational.

That can't be right, can it.

___

They're meant to be on stage in about an hour. Dressed and slathered in makeup, in theory they were ready.

So why is he here again, in a bathroom stall with Goo Junhoe?

Jinhwan is angry. Reasonably so. Right before their concert? Right now?

But his body decides otherwise because as soon as a hand is on his nape and a thumb traces his lips, it's game over. (And god, he's going to have to ask for the lipstick now. He hopes no one questions him as to why the red is slightly smudged.)

Heat rises in his chest and he tiredly gets down on his knees. The other takes it out, careful not to hit his face. Ah, so the foundation and the highlighter in particular were real important. Not him, specifically, huh.

Regardless, when it's presented to him like that, he doesn't have the gall to refuse and presses his lips against the tip. A curious hand also wraps around the length, stroking it as he begrudgingly sucks the head. God, he's wearing a ring right now and he hasn't taken it off. He considers taking it off but then thinks at the bigger issue at hand, the thing in his mouth.

Instead he grumbles against it and wishes the other would just hurry up already. He moves his hand to the base and takes in the rest of it in one fell swoop, making sure to coat the entire length with saliva. Then, he resigns and takes his mouth off the thing entirely.

His hands get to work. Meticulously pressing friction into it and then he absentmindedly looks up. The other is looking directly at him. Watching his every movement, alarmingly captivated by Jinhwan's face. It was sort of scary, the look in Junhoe's eyes was intense—as if he would die on the spot if he looked any longer. So he shamefully looks downwards and puts it back in his mouth. 

Hands place themselves at the side of his head. This was a worry, because it meant today Goo Junhoe wanted to get off and he wanted to get off fast. Meaning: his mouth was a sextoy and he wasn't a real person.

And was he right or what, when the entire length was forced down him and he wasn't allowed to breathe. His vision was seriously getting blurry here and he had begun convulsing as a result. Luckily, the release came soon and it wasn't forced down his throat. It was in his mouth. Although he wonders if that really was any better.

Satisfied, the other puts his thing back in his pants and crouches down. Jinhwan hates how he's still taller even when they were both kneeling, sitting down. Tentatively, the other opens his mouth to see the white dancing on his tongue. He hasn't gulped it down yet. But Junhoe was staring for way too damn long that he got annoyed enough to smack his hand away.

And it goes down. It's scary how he doesn't even consider spitting it out anymore or not letting the other cum in his mouth. It doesn't even taste good, but he keeps doing it anyway. Out of spite? Out of his own self-hatred? That definitely wasn't how it started out, though.

He licks his lips and stands up.

"We should get going."

Gratefully, his junior agrees and watches him wash his hands.

___

Asking for the lipstick was somewhat embarrassing but apart from that, the concert was fine. 

A few thoughts ran through his head while he was performing, though. One: ha, the ring on his finger kept reminding him of what he did pre-concert. Two: these were the fans that adored him and his group, but would they ever accept him if they knew what he did? Three: how the fuck was his junior feeling in general?

It somewhat spiralled into nonsense. He gives up thinking most of the time due to the euphoria of being on stage. Performing in front of others. It gave such a rush of adrenaline. Nothing else, no other feeling, was even able to come close to this.

Even so, as he gets undressed, he looks at the ring again. A cosmetic with barely any weight or meaning but it elicited dread in him. Like, if he got found out for what he did or what he continues to do with his junior, what would happen? If this relationship seriously began to bother him, what would happen?

He wonders about it, and hopes it's nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tepid water/微温湯 is a Japanese idiom to describe something as unstimulating or dull. It could be interpreted as things that are lukewarm or a lack of enthusiasm, in particular when describing an audience's applause.


	3. Poenas Dare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More inconsistent spelling. I give up with American and British English.   
> TW: Asphyxiation and dubcon.

"What are we doing here?" It's a legitimate question Kim Jinhwan asks Koo Junhoe as they stand at the utmost floor of their apartment building. Well. Not the roof, per say, but the floor beneath it. They're currently in a bathroom that has yellow tape plastered all over the door and a stall that didn't have a lock. Only one of the taps worked and the hand dryer wasn't on. He knows this because he's been here before, purely by accident.

This was an interesting location. He suspected something bad was going to happen when the other looked at him expectantly and smiled slightly.

"I want to try something. Bend over." 

The command was directed at him. He had no obligation to comply so he stared back, giving him a dubious look.

"What's in it for me?"

Jinhwan only receives a shrug and a "You might like it," as a response. He looks in the mirror at the both of them and then looks back at the other. Junhoe looked at the sink, and placed the plug in place. And then he filled the sink halfway.

Understandably, Jinhwan was still confused. He had followed his junior up here under the impression that the other wanted to show him something. He didn't exactly catch on that he wanted to do... that.

"Put your hands here," his hands were guided to the sink, "and stay like that." 

Then his pants were pulled down and he felt an erection at his ass. It was sticky and rubbed teasingly against him. Extra lube was then doused on them and suddenly it had entered. No breaking open or anything. He hadn't even agreed to this.

But as he looks in the mirror and feels the length press up against that spot, his legs tremble and his voice wavers. His body had completely submitted and was no longer listening to rational thought. At all.

"Hyung, shut up. We're in a public space." 

How could he? He was breathing heavily and his body shook against the other. He could feel his own erection stiffen up the longer he thought about the dick in his ass. With only a simple thought of that place being rubbed again, he let out a noise that was terribly indecent.

The other now had a hand on the back of his head. It aligned him to face the water and suddenly he realised what was coming.

With a thrust, his face had submerged. It was a quiet splash and his moans had been drowned out. They could seriously get caught here. Their careers were at stake but god oh fuck he had never felt so good before. 

As soon as the hand leaves him, he gasps for breath. And through the mirror he makes eye contact with the other, eyebrows furrowed and looking pissed. He was pissed. Even so, he didn't say anything and rather than his blood boiling, he felt like he was alive.

That spot was pressed up again and he squirms, clenching his teeth and trying his best not to make a noise. Instead of the back of his head, a hand enters his mouth.

"Here. Suck it."

And so he does. The other's fingers become drenched in saliva and most of his sounds are muffled and contained. His tongue dances between the fingers and he salivates so fucking much he knows this isn't healthy.

All the while the thing continues to ram into him. He isn't even in pain or anything, if he were to give a name to this feeling, he would say it was good. That this was good and he really couldn't think at all right now. 

Once the hand leaves his mouth, it's redirected to his own dick. It wraps around the head and swiftly strokes the entire thing in one, fluid motion. But then another hand is on the back of his head. With no warning, he was shoved back into the water, his face so close to the bottom of the sink. Fuck.

Was it bad? Was this a bad thing? 

Jinhwan couldn't tell as he was being asphyxiated. He didn't even have the energy to refuse or react. He just took it.

Of course when the pressure was no longer on him, he lifted his head and gasped for air. He might've choked a bit, or something. Water flooded his lungs and his vision had phased in and out. The mirror in front of him was dizzying and his hands that were barely holding on started to slip. He looks at himself. Was this how he usually looked? His face was wrecked in pleasure; hair dripping with water and ears as red as ripe tomatoes. This was undesirable, wasn't it? He could never be truly loved if he was seen like this, huh?

The other is really enjoying himself. Jinhwan can feel the girth in him twitch and harden and why was it getting even bigger. He tightened up in an attempt to quell, only to realise it just felt all the more larger. Panting heavily, he breathes and then moans again as that place is hit. In one swift movement, the entire length was suddenly in him and the other stopped moving. Instead, what happened was, two large hands had coiled around his neck. 

And suddenly they squeezed.

He sees black momentarily, no sound escapes him. Worst of all, he had tightened up so much he pushed himself to an orgasm, and the other had just shot a load in him. When the hands remove themselves, he starts coughing like crazy and then he steadies himself again.

Holy shit, he felt sick.

This time around it wasn't from his own disgust at what he was doing. Literally, he felt like he was about to throw up. Rather than feeling the discomfort like in all the other times they had done this, he felt relieved. This was an act completely without love or care for the other person. This was something more likely to exist in the imagination. 

Most of all, this was something he deserved.

Everything leading up to this point was his fault and his fault alone. Was that alright? Was this fine? He was taking his punishment right now for thinking of such things. He wasn't hurting anyone but himself.

The other starts to move again. So Jinhwan pulls his shirt into his mouth and holds tighter to the sink. He can't get caught here. He can hear the neighbours downstairs and the people who had already walked past this room. He can hear a party in a room somewhere next door and he can feel all the colour rise to his face.

So he stares at the tiles that are the floor. They aren't particularly interesting or anything, but he feels a sense of fascination as he tries to keep his voice in. They were all the same ceramic colour, pale and small and littered the entire floor. Of course, he sees his own cum on the floor too and his sense of amazement is suddenly gone.

What has Junhoe been doing all this time? Well, he's been one, staring at Jinhwan's nape, two, feeling great by rubbing one out in his senior's ass.

In this position he could really pretend that the other was a girl. It wasn't that hard. Because of his small stature and the smoothness of his skin. The bit of the back that was exposed to him and of course, the hole he was using right now. 

Flesh had tightened around him again when he hit a particular spot. It was endearing—how cute his senior was, how easy it was to get him to squeeze tighter. He also had noticed that his senior had stuffed the fabric of his shirt into his mouth, using it as a gag.

Ah, man.

Junhoe decides to be annoying. A hand travels up his back and pushes more and more of the shirt upwards. He has a good view of his back now, it was all nearly exposed to him. God, his skin was damn soft. Of course, this wasn't the first time he's seen it or felt it, but in particular, as of this moment, it was hot. He traces the spine and feels the other jolt at the sudden touch. He gently palms the other's neck, suddenly astutely aware of the marks around it. He was going to get in trouble for that later.

It felt strange. At the touch, his senior let out a muffled sound and his flesh started twitching like crazy. Junhoe thinks back; he definitely wasn't like this when they first started out. Did his senior, perhaps, develop a fetish for the back of his neck being touched? Was it sensitive to that point?

He wonders what it would be like if there was a choker or a collar around the other's neck. He felt like his senior would react to it being pulled or tugged or even just wearing it. It was also partly Junhoe's own fault for enjoying the back of his senior's neck so much. Whenever they did it, Junhoe always wanted to touch it, to caress it, to wrap his hands around and squeeze it. Ok. Maybe that was a little sadistic but the other always seemed to comply.

Or maybe the other was just easy. Completely putty in his hands when his dick was inside the other. That didn't seem to be natural, but it seemed to make sense. Another thought he has is of biting the other's neck.

So he does. It starts with innocent licking and then escalates to sucking the tender skin beneath him. His senior trembled against his touch, tightening and releasing heavy sounds. Muffled, the other had tried to say something, but as he did, Junhoe took a bite.

This was definitely something that wasn't going away anytime soon. He removed his mouth and looked at his handiwork: red teeth marks had etched themselves onto his senior's skin. The area he had marked was throbbing red and at least he hadn't drawn any blood.

Back to moving. His dick felt great, by the way. The welcoming walls, sticky with his cum and warm in general, they wrapped shyly around him again. This place had become the shape of him and was for his use and his use alone. No one else was allowed to have it. 

No one else was allowed to have his senior.

And maybe that was bad. Maybe his desire to keep his senior all to himself was something degenerate and something he shouldn't want at all. If people found out about this, found out about his feelings, found out about what he was doing—all hell would break loose. It'd be the end for him. The end for the both of them.

Junhoe decides to ignore it. 

His hands pressed a little harder, knowing imprints were definitely going to show on his senior's hips. Junhoe wanted to mark him. Wanted to show anyone that saw his senior that he was, for lack of better word, taken. Of course that sort of thing wasn't allowed and of course they could never tell the world. But in this broken bathroom and in this moment in time, his senior was his.

Then he thinks again. He wasn't sure if this was just sex anymore. He definitely felt something, he definitely desired his senior in a completely non-platonic way. Did he desire a relationship? A proper one, where they went on dates and kissed and all that shit? 

This wasn't something he should even be considering.

So it gets pushed again to the back of his mind and instead he traces the other's nape again. How was another man's neck this cute? He wanted to squeeze it. To break it completely. To feel it contract and then furiously try to expand. But he also wanted to kiss it, to taste it lovingly. He wanted to worship it like Basil Hallward worshipped Dorian Gray.

Although, just from his hand being at the nape, the hole he was using had begun to pulsate and panic. Junhoe's thumb traced downwards; from the bottom of his hair to the lowest point of the articular capsules. The body shivered beneath him, a muffled moan had escaped and the walls had tightened up so much that he felt like his dick was gonna explode.

Like that, he came in him. This was his second time, he thinks. But it was incredibly easy to get hard again, to stiffen up and have enough libido to go. He felt fantastic. 

Of course, the skin beneath him trembled submissively as he had released his load. It was charming how compliant this body was. How distant it was from the person's actual personality. There was such a massive gap, Junhoe had begun to wonder if they were even the same thing. His senior's personality, his own person, and his body. Things suddenly felt like a lie and he realised he had no idea what he was attracted to. (Or wasn't. He's still in denial about this all).

But as he felt the overwhelming urge to hurt the other, he realised things were getting kind of dangerous. The other had given up on chewing on his shirt, and was back to letting out noise after noise. The noises were feverish, tired, lacking in volume like they did before. More akin to heaving pants and forced breathing.

The walls around his dick had spasmed. Slick but hot and heated. Like, his dick had melted in this. This felt great. Because the soft flesh loved him and kept enticing him to stay. It squirmed against him, it wanted him to move. His senior had begun shifting his own hips to compensate for Junhoe's lack of movement. Because, because the tip was so close to that spot. His senior's sweet spot. His bitch switch.

It was probably wrong to think of it like that. But as he pressed against it relentlessly, the other looked like he was struggling to hold on. To keep a grip on the sink, to not fall. He only nudged against it slightly and the walls constricted him and his movement, like they wanted to squeeze out every last bit of cum from him. 

The second Jinhwan lets out another loud sound, Junhoe's hand was back there behind his head. It pressed downwards, his senior nearly touching the water. 

"J-June-yah, hey, p-plea—" 

Something in him breaks—and the face gets completely submerged. At first, the bottom mouth tightens up so much that he cums near instantly. But it quickly goes slack and his senior's hands had begun to slip from the sink too. 

What was wrong?

The muffled sounds he heard at first had become absolutely silent. And that's when he realised, he had kept his senior's face underwater for far too long.

Oh shit. Oh shit _oh fuck_. 

He pulls out and then lifts his senior's body up. Taking a good look at Jinhwan's face, his eyes were closed and it seemed like he had completely passed out. Oh christ, Junhoe had fucked up. This was bad. He couldn't think straight when his entire body was overcome with worry.

So first things first. He dresses both of them appropriately, zipping up his pants and pulling up the other's. And then he thinks back to the First Aid class he attended years ago as a trainee and attempts the first thing.

"Jinani, hey, can you hear me?" He squeezes the other's hand, the worry making him sick to his stomach. Luckily, he gets a squeeze back. It trembles against him; it's barely noticeable. 

He should call an ambulance. He should get help or something because _fuck_ he nearly killed his senior. But the prospect of being found out, of other people finding out why and how and all the other variables, all the other what ifs—fuck. Junhoe couldn't risk it. Oh god, he wasn't thinking straight at the moment. Did he seriously value his career over another person's life? Because of his own damn hubris?

Right. The ambulance was the last resort. He checks the other's mouth, moving his tongue out of the airway. Sits him up against the wall and tilts the head back by lifting the chin.

This is too close for comfort, Junhoe thinks, this is like you actually like him, like you actually care for him.

No. He can't say that to himself right now. He can't hate himself while he endangered someone else's life. He really shouldn't be—why the fuck was his senior's face so awfully pretty.

Junhoe panics. This wasn't, he shouldn't be doing this right now.

Ok, ok. He's meant to check if the other is breathing. He shuts his own thoughts up and gets closer to the other, and listens.

He must've been really lucky, because he can hear the other breathe. And when he checks the upper abdomen, there is regular movement. So it was fine, right? Fuck.

It really wasn't.

This wasn't fine at all. He really should get extra help or he... he can't think right now. He looks at the body in front of him and only feels guilt. Right now, he wasn't able to do anything but keep checking, keep making sure the other is breathing properly. Junhoe watches his face, the movement of his chest, and the twitches and spasms of his hand. 

At this point he gives up and holds the other's hand. He doesn't know how long they've been here, doesn't know how long he's been waiting. Observing and watching and making sure the other is alright. And it makes him fucking sick to his stomach—because he's the one who did this. He's the one who hurt his friend, his senior, and most of all, the person he liked. It felt wrong. It felt dangerous to admit that. But he could no longer turn away from it as he watched in worry and distress. 

This entire thing was his fucking fault.

If only they had properly talked about this. If only they had fixed this before they paid the penalty. For anything to change, he would have to start acting from this moment forward. 

But he's still stuck on what to do. At the very least his senior is breathing. If he accounts for the worst possibility, though, he might've seriously killed him. And that scares Koo Junhoe like nothing else has. He thinks of all the possibilities, the what-ifs, the endless spiral of things that could happen. Currently, the man was not optimistic about his situation, and prepared for the worst. He thinks and thinks and prays to whatever god is out there. 

And then his senior's eyes crack open.

___

Jinhwan feels like shit. That much is obvious—he had just blacked out and fainted in the middle of it. His back was throbbing like a bitch and the other had acted like they cared for him.

It's strange. He's being assessed and his hand is being held and all these things are happening in and out of consciousness. The other is holding his hand and he really, really wants to die. But he attempts to squeeze back when the other asks. 

His body is giving up on him. It's hard to breathe and hard to do anything. He can feel the water in his lungs and he can feel everything shutting down. Can he even feel anything at the moment? He doesn't know.

And so it goes on like this for an indefinite amount of time. There is no sense of time when you're floating in the abyss, anyway. You close your eyes and experience it for yourself; the taste of death, a lingering appetizer—the privilege of sleep. When your body is completely out cold and you don't feel anything at all. When all sense of anything is completely out the window and you aren't sure of things. This is a place where time has forgotten you. A place of eternal rest and where everything has reduced into nothing at all.

Ah. The nihilist is at it again.

But he wants to wake up. He wants to tell the other that things aren't fine and this isn't alright and damn. They need to fix the problems between themselves if they want anything. Maybe the problem was them. Maybe this was all wrong and this was not ok at all. Do they have to confront this fact? Take a break or something? Fix themselves first?

The desire for all of this literally forces him awake. It's a hard awakening, it isn't easy to do. But as he opens his eyes and the other looks straight at him with worry and concern all over his face—Kim Jinhwan gives up.

He's—Junhoe, that is—reluctant to move. In case of additional injury or any other possibility. Jinhwan chokes the water out of himself and then looks at the ground. This was fucking disgusting.

What he was thinking of doing was horribly gross and. Ok. Okay. He shouldn't even bother thinking anymore at this point.

So he decides to face the other. He recites what the company told him, what the company wants from him. He tells himself this is fine and there aren't any feelings here. It was normal anyway. This was a normal human thing and he's done it lots of times before.

Shakily, he wraps his arms around the other and brings him closer. He puts his face in the other's chest and breathes. Fuck. Fuck! The other shouldn't feel this comfortable. The other shouldn't wrap his own arms around him and he shouldn't, he shouldn't apologise. The other shouldn't sound remorseful and he shouldn't care about him.

This just shouldn't be happening.

Jinhwan is trying his best not to collapse. The other's shirt is wet because of his face and hair and ok it doesn't matter. But he's worried what people will think. If they'd get questioned once they left this room and if people will look and stare. He realises another thing; he can't believe he's more worried about his career than his own safety.

"I'm sorry," Junhoe is holding him carefully. "I went too far."

There's silence for a while. Jinhwan isn't sure how to respond. There isn't exactly any thought that goes through his mind as the other says that. (In retrospect, though, he knew that it was strange for Junhoe to apologise, especially with a sorry. Whenever he thinks back to this event, he realises how much it took for him to say such a simple word.)

"I didn't ask before if any of the... choking play was alright. I'm sorry, I... I don't know how to apologise. I risked your life and I risked our careers." It's surprisingly rational, what comes out of his mouth. He's calmed down a bit since his senior decided to hold him. He has a chance at forgiveness and he won't let that chance go to waste.

Junhoe wonders when the last time they've sat and talked like this was—ignoring the sex and the group bonding and the meals they had together occasionally. He feels like it's been so long, so long since they've just enjoyed each other's company. And wording it like that he realises how fucked up it is. All of this. The toxic environment he grew up in, the industry he's in right now, the society—the mindset of the common people. 

He begins to question if he even likes being near this person if it weren't for their situation.

And he's sharply aware that there is an issue. He doesn't want to bring it up, doesn't want to talk about it, hell, he finds it hard to acknowledge that there is a problem. Today, however, Junhoe realises he can't ignore it any longer. He's endangering the person he probably likes and he's endangering himself. Most of all, the guilt kept him in check and he tried his best to confront it. The underlying problem, the root of this all. The layers of self hatred and the knowledge, the awareness of what this is going to do. The implications of what he's about to admit. But before he says anything, Jinhwan says this:

"I hate to say this, but I actually enjoyed it up until I passed out."

At that, his brain blanks. He can't think of anything at all. Instead of really questioning it, he finds himself in a state of apathy. It was strange. It was weird as hell that his senior enjoyed being hurt. So why can't he say anything in response to it?

It might be due to the fact he could've expected this. Or it could've been due to how he had no idea how to process this. Because both of their behaviour was nowhere near normal and he wasn't sure how to verbalise that.

Meanwhile, Jinhwan closes his eyes and sighs. He shifts slightly, slacking up against the other and reflects.

"June-yah, do you hate yourself for what you've done?" He says this into the other's shirt, barely audible. And he can feel the other tremble against his touch; so careful not to hurt him. God. "It's alright if you do. I hate myself for this too."

And the implications of Jinhwan's words resonated with Junhoe. 

"Hyung, I... Do you hate yourself for the same reason I have?"

"... Who knows, honestly. Anyway, can you carry me back to our rooms? I'm tired and I can feel your cum leak into my pants."

His senior's honesty always baffles him. But he complies, picking up the other, only for the conversation to continue after a much needed shower.

___

If there's one thing Junhoe's grateful for, it's that no one in their apartment complex even questions them anymore. They get a few looks or so, but at the end of it no one really cares. It's not their business. And if he wants to discuss it, the others he lived with wouldn't mind either. But he doesn't, and he finds himself waiting on the floor of his senior's room.

Junhoe doesn't come here as often as the other does to his room. It was probably because his senior felt lonely often and wanted company rather than being alone in his room. He recalls that the other doesn't really have any hobbies, nor much of a personality. Thinking about it, he realises how strange it actually is. Regardless of that, he decides to not think much of it and prepare for the conversation that was going to happen.

Right. It seemed like neither of them were going to admit the truth, but they could come to a compromise. Something like that. And as he thinks about this, his senior had come into the room with a towel on his shoulders. Noticing where Junhoe was sitting, he decides to sit opposite, on the same floor.

"Hi," He dries his hair with the towel. "I did some thinking in the shower and I have an idea."

Jinhwan looks at him properly now, and casts the towel aside.

"I think we should take a break."

The sentence takes a while to process. He replays it again and makes sure he hears it clearly.

"We probably should, but..." Junhoe chooses his words carefully. "Jinani-hyung, I like being near you. And we can't avoid each other because of work. I want to agree with you but I'm also terribly selfish."

His senior looks at him. And then to the floor. Jinhwan's hand is carefully touching the mark he had left on his neck. Pressing against it slightly and then stopping.

"Look, I... I enjoy being around you too. But right now I really think we shouldn't be meeting up to do things like this anymore. I don't usually say this but I need some time off to think. And I think you do, too." 

It's cynical for his senior to say this. Not unexpected at all, but definitely not the norm, the usual. Out of anything, it's reasonable and it makes sense that his senior is saying this. So why does Junhoe want to deny it? Want to say no and demand for things to continue? It was horrible of him to feel that way, especially after what he just did. 

"June-yah, come here." And his senior opens his arms, looking expectantly at him.

Junhoe doesn't have it in him to reject it.

So he takes the embrace, and he rests his head on the other's shoulder. He can feel a swirl of emotions and he can't express any of them. His senior doesn't feel small anymore. His senior is holding him and telling him that even though things weren't alright at all, they were going to get better. They just needed some time away from each other. 

They just needed some space.

___

Junhoe isn't quite sure how long he is in the other's arms. But he does know that at the end of it, he's with the other, lying in his bed. It's 7pm and they both skipped dinner. He finds himself staring at the other's face far too often and the other doesn't back down either. 

"We're taking a break from the, sex, right? I can still be near you and drink with you outside of work and..." He stops speaking when a hand touches his cheek.

"Yeah. Don't worry about it. I'll never hate you, ok? It's alright. I just need some time to think, that's all."

The panic that rose in his chest had suddenly deflated. He looks again at the mark he had left on his senior's neck and feels so, so guilty. He's beginning to doubt himself and everything up to this point. He's beginning to wonder amidst the uncertainty.

But when his senior smiles at him and shuffles closer towards him, he stops thinking. The other is warm and his skin is soft and god he isn't sure how to deal with this. He can feel the other's warmth radiate onto him and he can feel arms slowly make their way around his neck. He no longer cares that this is intimate and he no longer cares that he's absolutely whipped. Because to feel this way towards another person and to have it requited was a privilege that many lacked.

So he promises his senior that he won't get touchy and he won't cross the line. He promises he'll think about himself and he promises to still spend time with the other.

His senior laughs at him, but Junhoe doesn't take it to heart. It was his senior's nature. He could accept that.

"Whatever floats your boat, June-yah."

And like that, they go into an uneventful sleep.

___

Junhoe wakes up entangled in the other's arms. Their bodies are close to each other yet they still felt so distant. He thinks momentarily as to why he's here, and then he remembers yesterday in a wave of barely strung together events. Regardless, he decides to shift out of the other's arms and sit up, wondering what to do.

To be honest, he's at a complete loss at everything at the moment. He isn't sure how to move forward or what to think. But maybe he's just been ignoring himself for too long and maybe he does need some time to think. It's been a long time since he last decided to do some introspection, to really think about his actions and how he really feels about all this. Maybe this sort of thing was long overdue and he's just been avoiding it.

So, he thinks again. How is he meant to come to terms with this all? It usually started from within, right? Junhoe wonders if perhaps he doesn't know himself enough to actually be able to answer that. Right now, he's so unsure about everything. Because his relationship with his senior has been devoid of intimacy and was purely physical, he isn't even sure of his own feelings. Does he even like his senior? Or was he just after his body? He couldn't tell, and that line was beginning to blur for him.

And of course there was also the problem about the environment he currently existed in. He's aware, marginally, of the issues that would crop up if he really did like his senior. In the completely non-platonic sense, that is. It was definitely fine to enjoy being near him and to go out drinking and such with the other, but there was nothing between the lines there. His intentions were pure at the time and it didn't have... this. 

At this point he should just be straight up with himself. Junhoe had this overwhelming urge to k*ss the other. 

Of course, this kind of thing was confusing. He wasn't able to separate this feeling from craving intimacy or if he genuinely liked the other person. Most of all, he was confused about himself—who was he meant to show to everyone else outside this room? What separates him from the people society looked down upon and his high status as a celebrity?

That train of thought made him want to die. He looks over at the person still asleep next to him, and worries about the other too. Because if they really were no different than those people, what would that mean?

Junhoe continues to wonder who he is.

___

Unexpectedly, Jinhwan is woken through a touch on the cheek. He blinks, vision hazy and unclear, then it registers that he isn't alone. Junhoe is looking at him, towering above him, and then breathes a quiet, "Good morning."

He murmurs it back, and rubs his eyes for a bit. Sitting upwards, he can feel his head spin and he looks at the time. It's pretty early, but considering the time he slept, he's not surprised in the slightest.

The other turns away from him and pushes the covers off himself. He gets out, stretches, and then turns around to wave a goodbye. But before he can, Jinhwan tenaciously grabs his wrist. He steps out of the bed and then embraces the other, carefully pressing his face into the other's shirt. The other takes a while to process this act, and when he does, he returns the warmth. 

Of course, this was out of impulse, and Jinhwan isn't sure what spurred him on to do this. He didn't have a plan and he wasn't sure what was going to happen from now on.

He guesses he'll be relying on his left hand a while more now.

___

Apart from that, breakfast is just the two of them. They eat in mainly silence, and they only talk about the upcoming day. It's another day of hard practice and another day of Hanbin's gruelling criticism. There's so much to do and so little time for themselves.

Amidst it all, Jinhwan wonders about something. He's aware of the problems and he's aware of the distance between his appearances. Something does bother him, though. The gap between his stage persona and his own personal life doesn't deter him, but Junhoe does. Because the other sees both sides to him. He feels as though at this point, the other is the only one aware of how big the gap is. 

And that shouldn't worry him that much. Yet it does. It made him realise he's completely unsure as to what people think and in turn, he's unsure about himself as a whole. 

So, he continues to wonder what the problem is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poenas dare is a Latin proverb meaning 'to pay the penalty.'

**Author's Note:**

> 縁の下/Under the veranda is a Japanese idiom used to describe something that happens in the background.


End file.
